The Fire's Last Ember
by Melismo
Summary: The galaxy stands on the precipice of destruction, and Kaidan's romance with Shepard could prove just as devastating. Will they have time to pick up the pieces of their broken relationship before it's too late? An angst-filled Shenko romance.
1. Chapter 1

**Prelude**

_This time I'll stay,_ he thinks. He grabs the extinguisher from the wall and puts out the fire by the escape pods.

_I'll stay_.

He tosses the empty can into the wreckage and sprints to the CIC. Wires and cables dangle from the ceiling. The ship shudders like a dying beast, rumbling and struggling against an imminent death.

"Shepard, Joker won't abandon ship!" he shouts above the _Normandy's_ clamor.

He stops in the doorway, watching Jen lock her helmet in place, turning on her comms so she can talk to him.

"What are you still doing here, Kaidan?" She turns around. "You get to the shuttles; I'll take care of Joker."

"No," he says. "I'm not leaving without you." He takes a step forward instead of backwards.

"Kaidan. Go."

"No."

Her fingers fly across the monitor in front of her, and panels whisk by. "Shit," she says, reading the instantaneous damage reports. She downloads what she can to her omnitool just before pushing past him. "Fine," she says, and he keeps on her heels as they climb the stairs to the cockpit.

_I'm not going to leave._

He's standing next to her as she talks Joker down. He helps lift Joker into the shuttle.

The second blast hits, and they ricochet against the ship. But he clings to her, holding her body against his own.

When they float into space, he doesn't panic.

_I stayed_, he thinks. _I didn't let go. _He squeezes his eyes shut.

They float together, and then they fall, pulled in by a planet's gravity, burned by its atmosphere.

They land with a thud. But he still has her. He didn't leave her. Shepard's cradled in his arms, breathing and alive.

He opens his eyes to see her, but when he does, her suit and her helmet turn to dust. Red and black dirt float through his fingers, carried away on the wind.

"No!" he screams, scrambling to his feet. He trips and stumbles. Landing on charred remains, his hands plant on the ground and he stares into an N7 helmet.

Shepard's pale, unblinking eyes stare back at him. Dark crimson drains down her forehead.

"No!" he screams, his voice soundless and lost.

Kaidan lurches up from his bed. Sweat-soaked and breathing hard, he pulls his knees up and buries his head in his hands.

"Shepard," he whispers to the darkness.

* * *

_AN: Short chap to get us started. Please r&r so I know if ya'll like it or whatever._


	2. Chapter 2

Commander Jenny Shepard paces in her quarters.

_Face the fish, meet the glass, turn. Face the desk, meet the chair, turn._

With each lap her gaze flits to Alenko's portrait. The holo, sandwiched between her personal terminal and her mission console, rebels against its surroundings. Cerberus logos jump out at her, deceptively camouflaged in tasteful black and gray; they beckon to her like the bright lights of a marquee.

_Meet the chair, turn._

The whole room is suspect: the comms; the technical interfaces; the wardrobe; EDI. Shepard avoids the panic of entrapment by telling herself she can take this ship anywhere she wants.

_Meet the glass, turn._

But he'll be watching. The Illusive Man mocks her, seething with irony, as he remains in the shadows and nothing Shepard does goes unwatched.

_Meet the chair, turn._

Kaidan again, his face on Horizon, the barely hidden contempt in his voice. She works for Cerberus, yes, but she thought he knew her better than this, trusted her more.

_Meet the glass, turn._

_I'm watched like these fucking fish,_ she thinks, glaring into the aquarium. She is spoon-fed information, kept contained in this state-of-the art mockery of everything she once stood for.

_Meet the chair, turn._

She longs for the Alliance, the only life she ever knew. She longs for their regulations, their trust, for their people. Anderson, Jenkins, Ash. Kaidan.

_Meet the glass, turn._

Not this prison of a ship, this crew filled with impassioned individuals who have no qualms about working for human supremacists.

_Meet the chair, turn._

Not all of them, she reminds herself. Garrus and the doc, they are not here because of Cerberus. The doc talks about a center, a purpose, and in a drunken rant names Shepard as the gravity holding it all together.

"Pull yourself together, Shepard," she tells herself aloud so that EDI hears. "The Collectors aren't going to stop themselves."

. . . . .

Join her? Actually join Cerberus?

Kaidan Alekno slams shut the mini fridge in his Citadel apartment. He nukes a leftover MRE. He eats standing at his kitchenette counter, shoving food into his mouth, tasting nothing, his mind fuming.

Kaidan is an Alliance marine until the end. How could Shepard throw away all the Alliance stands for just to be coddled and controlled by Cerberus? They rebuilt her, that's for sure. The woman he saw on Horizon could not be the Shepard he loved and mourned.

After finishing his meal, Kaidan gulps down an unsatisfying glass of water. But it was Shepard, in some form, the same eyes, the same hair. But her skin was scarred more than he remembered it. A side effect of being dead, no doubt.

He laughs humorlessly at the thought.

"God damn…Shepard," he says to the empty rooms.

And she had the same stubborn determination the old Shepard did, the same fire-laced practicality he fell in love with, the same drive to…

To do what? Why Cerberus? Was it about the Reapers as she claimed? Why was she sent to Horizon? To manipulate him into her cadre of misled civilians?

Kaidan brushes his teeth in a tiny bathroom. He comes here often enough to make this small abode worth it. He likes being near Anderson; he likes the notion of stability.

He wants a drink. _Bad_. He can almost conjure the taste on his tongue, the sharp bitterness of alcohol. He longs for the relief it will give him, the numbness that comes with overindulgence. But he doesn't give in. No amount of drunkenness can help him forget the freshly opened wound.

_Give it time, Alenko_, he tells himself. He gives himself mental outs, mental routes to escape the grief. Mere moments later, he leaves the rooms and heads for the Presidium. It's time to brief the Council.

. . . . .

She leans on Garrus a lot. His skill with arms complements her biotics. But she likes the reminder of the old _Normandy_, the old crew. He keeps her focused. Must be the turian sense of duty he has.

And he's still reeling from the loss of his entire team. Shepard understands that, and she's going to help him make it right sooner or later, help him find the vindication that took her a year to recover after Akuze.

Meanwhile, she crouches with him and Thane next to the Citadel's public transit. What Garrus lacks in serenity, Thane has in spades. The drell assassin wants to make up for lost time. After seeing what Jacob's father turned into, Shepard doesn't hesitate to help this father redeem his son.

Garrus waits while Shepard helps Thane track the politician. They're somewhere near the Presidium elevator when she gets sidetracked. A dark-haired man wearing an alliance uniform waits by the lift. _Kaidan_, she thinks, wondering if maybe this is serendipity, that both of them are in the Citadel at this very moment.

It _is _Kaidan. She can tell by the way he stands, the way the clothes fit his shape.

"Shepard. Can you see him? I've lost visual." Thane's voice crackles in her comm.

_Focus._

"I got him; he's talking to a voter. Standby."

By the time she checks again, Kaidan's gone and she has to persuade a c-sec guard to let her pass through.

. . . . .

Anderson wants him to teach. Spec Ops. Biotics. Kaidan doubts himself, but he trusts Anderson. And he's felt helpless since Horizon. Cerberus was dirty, but he couldn't help feeling a bit useless when neither the Alliance nor the Council seemed to care about the Reapers.

"Spec Ops?" Kaidan asks.

Anderson nods from the other side of his desk. "My idea. Hackett likes it. Classified, of course. You answer to me. " Anderson pauses and drinks coffee from a disposable cup.

Anderson's eyebrows lift, and he continues. "Comes with a promotion, too…Major Alenko."

Kaidan squirms in his seat. Teaching isn't exactly how he sees his next step in the Alliance playing out. He'd rather be sent on missions where he can see action, where the work _feels_ real. At the end of the day, he wants it to show on his body, dirt, bruises, stubble.

"I…I don't know, sir. It's not really my strong suit."

Kaidan can tell that Anderson wants to press it, but the councilor sits back in his chair. "Let me know if you change your mind. The Alliance could really use your experience."

"Yeah…okay. I'll let you know if anything changes." Anderson shakes his hand, and Kaidan leaves the embassy. On his way to the wards, he hears a Galactic News report about a political assassination being thwarted in the upper markets. A turian and a red-haired woman were among the do-gooders.

Shaking his head and mumbling to himself, Kaidan ignores the small sting of guilt. He's a bit jealous that Shepard has the chance to get her hands dirty, but he reminds himself that they're "The Hands That Cerberus Built," and he's not sure he wants anything to do with them.

. . . . .


	3. Chapter 3

_**Two and half years ago**_

Kaidan's palms sweat in the cool darkness of the Normandy. The ship's quiet, almost eerily so, and it makes what he's about to do more enticing. The darkness could lend itself to a sense of isolation, but instead he revels in the independence it's allowed them: defying the Council, Shepard and her crew sneaking their way to Ilos. To save the very people who tried to stop them.

Or die in the process.

Kaidan chimes the comm on Shepard's door. He's more aware of his body than he remembers ever being before.

"It's open," she says.

Kaidan steps in, discreetly locking the door behind him. She's at her desk, hunched over her terminal. Red hair hangs at her neck, her shoulders curved. She turns to look at him.

"Shepard…" he's struck by the emerald green of her eyes, made all the more vivid by her biotics. He can't mistake the small upturn of her lips when she sees it's him. That has to be a good sign.

"Kaidan." His name on her lips sends shivers through him. This feels more right than he could have imagined. She steps away from her desk, toward him. He's drawn to her, just like he has been from the start.

His prepared speech spills out of him, he says so much without saying what's really on his heart. _I love you. I don't want to miss this chance_. Instead, he talks about opportunity, about the large, consequential events of the universe, about the two of them being impermanent in the great scheme of things. That way if she says no, it won't seem like such a loss.

But she says yes, and everything in his world locks together. There's truth to his words, he knows that, truth in that he and Shepard may never happen, but there's tonight. And he's never been more at peace with breaking regs.

Her body meets his, standing at the foot of her bed. Arm around her lower back he pulls her close. His other hand cups the back of her head, and they kiss. He senses the biotic power flow between him, but it's secondary to the scintillating touch of their lips. He pours all he has into it, feeling her shudder against him as his arms roam on her back.

She pulls away, and their eyes lock. "Shepard," he whispers.

"Call me, Jen, Kaidan. Just this once."

"Jen," he says, brushing hair away from her face, studying the roundness of her cheeks, the seriousness in her eyes. He's tempted to think this means as much to her as it does him.

She pulls him over to the side of the bed and forces him to sit. She stands over him, leaning in for another kiss. This one goes deeper. Kaidan slinks his tongue into her open mouth, almost moaning. She tugs on his shirt, and he pulls away just long enough for her to remove it.

His hands slip beneath of her shirt, and he can barely believe what he's doing as his fingers graze her skin, soft and supple at his touch, warm and welcoming. His hands move upward, and her shirt comes off.

His gaze flits from her face to her chest, and he doesn't want to seem like a cad, but he's a man, and she is beautiful, and he wants to take it all in. He catches her eyes staring at his chest, and he feels exposed under her scrutiny.

"Kaidan, you're beautiful," she says. He melts a little inside. He watches her. Her bra, with an N7 logo sewn into the seam, matches her armor.

"Damn, Shepard—Jen—that's hot," he manages indelicately. All his blood is rushing south, and fast, but he wants to make the moment worth it.

Her fingertips come up to graze his chest. He catches her smiling. "You're hot, too, Alenko."

He drags her onto the bed with him, his hands move all over her, their lips lock in kisses of exploration and desire. He wants all of her, but he wants this to last forever. He slows himself and focuses on the curve in her back, the feel of her bare skin on his own.

He unsnaps her bra, and she rises to remove it. Her cheeks are red, and her eyes dark with desire. Kaidan turns her over, so that he's on top, and he explores her even more now. His ministrations are met with quiet moans, and when he finds a spot she likes, he lingers, and watches her eyes flutter. The effect he has on her is almost intoxicating.

"Jen," he says, letting the syllable set in his mouth.

He raises up. Her hands are at the waist of his pants, her fingers unbutton them and then tug them past his hips.

Kaidan feels a bit of insecurity return, and part of him is a little lost in adolescent embarrassment. He wonders if he's impressive enough for her.

He looks at her face, and it's smiling a teasing smile, and one, he hopes, of pleasure.

Before he can proceed, she's taking off her own pants, and now they're both naked in the captain's quarters, lost in the moment.

He settles himself between her legs. She's raised herself up on pillows, and her hands grip his hips and pull him against her.

She's as ready as he is.

He eases into her, and even groans as he does so. It feels so good. Jen's arms are around him, and she matches his rhythm stroke for stroke.

"That's it, Kaidan," she whispers in his ear. Her mouth covers his own. He feels wrapped up in her. His world has suddenly collapsed to just her, and it's almost too much for him to take in.

She takes charge, rolling them over so he's lying on top of their discarded clothes. She sits on him, hands pressed into his chest. Pleasure threatens to rip through him, but he hangs on, his hands gripping her waist, his eyes watching her every movement.

She uses one of her hands to lead his fingers to her bud, and he rubs it gently, directed by her quiet moans. Before he knows it, she shudders above him, her eyes open wide and meet his.

"Oh, god, Kaidan," she says breathily.

He sits up, pulling her against him. She lets him roll over, so he's above her again. He can't hold on much longer, and she seems to realize that.

He moves faster inside her, and she keeps up with him. He kisses her as he moves. She pulls him close to her, her arms wrapped tightly around him. Their foreheads press together. Their eyes meet, and he doesn't fight it this time. The pressure builds.

"Come on, Kaidan," she whispers. "Let go."

And he does. He clings to her as the pleasure mounts and peaks. It's indescribable how good it feels, and he holds on with everything he has until he collapses on top of her.

He shifts so his weight isn't bearing down on her. His hands stroke her hair from her face.

"Jen…Jen, I…" he can't quite get the words out. They're stuck in his throat.

"I know. Me too."

. . . . .


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't like this," Shepard says, leaning over an orange-lit terminal aboard the Collector ship. "Something doesn't feel right."

"I agree," Thane interjects. "Our enemy has been too careful."

"Oh sure, Shepard," Garrus quips, "the turians could never take out a Collector ship. The best military in the galaxy. No chance."

Shepard laughs along with Garrus. "Not without the krogans at their backs."

"All right, Shepard. Watch it." Garrus pauses. "There's more intel on this than we have, that's for sure."

Shepard lets the observation stew in her mind. She remembers Kaidan's words about manipulation and the Illusive Man using Horizon as Collector bait.

Still, bottom line. They have to fight their way out.

"Let's move."

. . . . .

"So, Alenko, what changed your mind?"

The pulsing salarian-techno bass vibrates around them. Kaidan's not particularly fond of loud music and busy places, but sometimes it's the perfect way to unwind. And the perfect way to have a conversation no one else can hear.

Kaidan shrugs at Anderson's question. "I guess…I just want to be of some use, you know? What happened here two years ago, with Sovereign, was just a preview for what's to come. I know that, you know that…hell even Shepard knows that." Kaidan pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts. "And I got to thinking, that there has to be more to this spec ops team…after all, you wouldn't have volunteered me for something that wasn't worth both our hides."

Anderson chuckles. "Yeah, you're coming around Alenko. Funny how the lines start to get fuzzy when the pressure's on."

"Yeah."

He gulps down some soda—alcohol free—as Anderson nurses a beer.

After a few moments, Anderson says, "Speaking of Shepard, she's still checking in…from time to time."

Kaidan clamps down on the reaction to lean forward. "Yeah?" he says as nonchalantly as he can manage. He drinks and the carbonated bubbles sting his tongue before he remembers to swallow.

"Yeah. Good intel. She's salvaged some Prothean tech, and even rescued a lost freighter out in the Terminus systems."

"Oh."

Anderson chuckles. "And she fires off daily reports to me. I get them in bunches, whenever she veers close enough to Council space to send them encrypted."

Kaidan's soda glass is empty by now as he hangs on Anderson's every word.

"Just thought you should know," Anderson shrugs. "I'll send her address over to your omni-tool."

"Anderson, that's not—"

"Hell of a girl," the councilor continues, "I hate that she's with Cerberus, but damned if she won't get the job done one way or another."

"Hm." Kaidan dares to look at his CO across the table. Anderson nods once, and Kaidan realizes that he _knows_, as discreet as he and Shepard had been, Anderson figured it out.

"Maybe you'll want to check in before you gather your team. You have to go under the radar for a while, and you may not get a chance later. You and Shepard were always good together. In the field."

"Yeah…we were." Before Kaidan can stamp out the memories, they're attacking him full force. He convinces himself it's the caffeine from his drink, but he knows how much he wants to believe in her again, how much he wants to _trust_ her again.

His mind's adrift with warring conspiracy theories. _If Shepard's still sending intel to the Alliance…what if it's intel Cerberus is feeding her…_

It's too much baggage for him to sift through in the club, and he doesn't even trust himself enough to make sense of it all. But if Anderson and Chakwas both trust Shepard, why can't he? What makes the hurdle too high to jump over?

_Because you were in deep, Alenko_, _and now you want a way out._

But he remembers how _good _it was. How the sight of her always struck something deep inside of him, how her smile made his heart beat faster, how she accepted him, supported him, and was just _there_.

A small, but fervent, part of him wants to hang onto the memories, to glean whatever hope he can from them. He thinks of her address on his omni-tool. She is not a woman to easily give up on. Before he can think too much about it, he has the message typed and sent.

He puts it out of his mind and makes arrangements to be off-world for a few months.

. . . . .


	5. Chapter 5

She's been avoiding the message for two weeks. She sifts through the other mail, clicking and organizing, and always his message stays unread at the bottom of the list. She dreads what it might say. What other words of contempt she'll read.

The anger rises as she stares at the subject line: "About Horizon…" What is she to make of that? But even as its ambiguity frustrates her, the title is so Kaidan, so nondescript like him when deep down he's committed to something, and on the surface you'd never know.

She can't blame him. He still wears the Alliance uniform, still has his dog tags from the day he enlisted. Jealousy is not far from her mind, and within hate for Cerberus threatens to boil over. She doesn't trust them, but no one else will give her a chance to stop the Reapers.

_Just read the damn thing and get it out of your mind_.

So she does.

"Shepard…"

She reads through the message four times, and the jealousy and anger dissipate. She can hear his voice, the pauses he would make, the uncertainty he'd let slip, the _affection_ he's hidden.

She wants to reply, she wants to send a short line, something like, "The mission comes first; you know that. But we'll talk later, Kaidan. –Shepard."

But she knows the Illusive Man is watching. She knows EDI logs all of her terminal activity. She knows he orchestrated the Horizon rendezvous, and she can't bring herself to let Cerberus into that part of her life.

She archives the message, pretending it means nothing.

Another week passes and she has to help Tali settle something on the Flotilla. Seems that everyone on her squad has to take care of some baggage to ensure dedication to the mission.

She'll allow herself that. She's already sent a vidmail to her parents. But Kaidan's message sits in her archives, and she can't leave it alone.

She types.

"Kaidan,

My feelings have always come after my duty. The same is true of you.

Take care,

Jen."

The message seems vague enough to work. She hits send and doesn't bother to tell Samara where the idea came from.

. . . . .

The gushy membrane of Dr. Chakwas's pod slips around Shepard's gloves until finally a finger punctures the synthetic skin. And the doc falls into Shepard's arms, disoriented and weak, but _alive_. They're all alive, Kelly and the engineers, the crew. Shepard mentally pauses, full of pride in her crew and her squad, the innovations that provided Normandy upgrades, the loyalty of Joker and even EDI to save the ship.

"…we're in no shape to fight, Commander," Chakwas is saying, and Shepard knows this. She surveys her team for redundancies and sends Mordin back to the ship with the crew.

The end is close enough that Shepard tastes it in her mouth, the sense of finality, the knowledge of being one step closer to bringing down her enemies.

. . . . .

The Grissom Academy, settled nicely in the Vetus System, has state of the art everything. Alliance and Earth investments show all over the place, from the tasteful decorations to cutting edge instructional equipment. Kaidan finds himself almost salivating with preteen jealousy. This place is worlds ahead of BAaT, and he wishes he had time to soak it all in.

Instead, he's meeting with the dean to collect recent graduates who have chosen to enlist straight out of school. It would be more accurate to say that they'd been chosen and had accepted. Either way, they'll soon be Kaidan's responsibility.

The idea excites him more than he'd imagined. _Experience_, he thinks, indulging in a brief reverie of self-congratulation. He's fought in the Battle on the Citadel, he's risen to the rank of major in the Alliance. He's one of the best biotics humanity has to offer. Anderson wouldn't have sent him otherwise.

When his recruits are gathered near the shuttle, Kaidan takes a deep breath before introducing himself. He lists his credentials, his experience, and even at thirty-four years old the list is long.

The kids—and they are kids—look up at him with all the trust and admiration in the world.

_You can do this, Alenko_, he thinks, and he finally starts to believe it.


	6. Chapter 6

_Six months following the destruction of the Collectors._

"Looks like you're getting out and about today, Commander."

Jennifer Shepard looks up from the morning news she's reading. Her daytime "safety insurance officer" (i.e. guard), Lieutenant James Vega, stands by her door scanning her schedule.

On most days, she's left to do what she wills, as long as it's not going anywhere beyond the Systems Alliance's Vancouver campus. She's allowed visitors, provided they pass background checks and get the express approval of Admiral Anderson.

"That so, Vega?" Shepard asks as she rinses out her breakfast dishes in the sink. Small tasks have taken on a new importance in the past six months. She can make a five-minute chore stretch for thirty.

She looks at Vega over her shoulder. The LT is the quintessential jarhead, broad-shoulders, narrow-waist, square chin, hardened jaw. Good at taking orders. But the appeal is lost on Shepard. Vega's too young for her tastes, and any romantic notions she has are preoccupied by wondering why Kaidan Alenko's the only friend she hasn't heard from since her house arrest.

Hell, even Miranda stopped by once, and she's on the run from Cerberus.

Of course, Shepard would love nothing more than to focus on something tangible instead of letting her mind wonder about things she can't control. But she is on lockdown, and the boredom leaves her little else to do but…ruminate.

"Yeah, says here—damn, Shepard, you're meeting with the Alliance defense committee today…"

Vega's voice is as surprised as Shepard feels. After six months and no preamble, the politicians are ready to talk? Took them long enough.

"…and it is quite the guest list." Vega punches a few keys, and his screen jumps down a page. "You, Admiral Anderson…a spec ops CO…"

. . . . .

Kaidan squirms in his shuttle seat en route to Systems Alliance HQ on Admiral Anderson's orders. The dispatch was especially perplexing because Anderson gave Kaidan just three days to make it from the Attican Traverse to Earth, a trip that would usually take a week to prep for.

But what really rattled Kaidan was that he left his team out there, collecting tech and salvage from the blown Collector base. The damn thing was shot to hell and back, but Kaidan was determined to salvage whatever they could.

For a refresher, Kaidan pulls up Anderson's latest email. Kaidan has to testify before the Alliance Defense Committee on the Reapers. It appears the politicians finally starting to put stock in what he, Shepard, and Anderson have been saying for the past three years.

_She'll be there too_, Kaidan realizes for the first time. No way they'd have a hearing on the Reapers without Jennifer Shepard.

His stomach flips, and he blames it on the shuttle. He's torn among excitement, guilt, and trepidation. He has no idea where they stand, after Horizon, after her house arrest. He would have been to see her before now, but he'd been too far away to make it look anything but pathetic to travel hundreds of light years to have coffee with his old CO.

_Because she's more than that. _

A few minutes later Kaidan finds himself in a frenzy to make it from the docking bay to the committee, giving him no time to relish being in Vancouver again. As he walks, an aide briefs him on the committee itinerary, all of which Kaidan absorbs with ease. In the past year, he's become quite adept at processing information and making a plan from it. Being in spec ops has that effect on him, he guesses, when he was the ranking officer around, and the only one to turn to for answers.

Finally, they arrive at the atrium, and it's abuzz with news reporters, lobbyists, MPs. He feels sorely out of place in his armor, which he hadn't even bothered to remove before boarding the shuttle. He gives himself some mental recess, though, realizing his preparedness makes him look like a man of action rather than a suit who sits behind a desk all day.

He takes a deep breath and enters the hearing.

. . . . .


	7. Chapter 7

Kaidan's deposition lasts an hour and a half. As he leaves the hearing, he's not sure if he's done them any good. Evidence is sorely lacking from his testimony. He only hopes that his service record can attest to his honesty.

The atrium is even more crowded than before, and now he doesn't have the aide to follow. He steps around the crowd, trying to find an exit until he spots Anderson's cap peeking over a cluster of marines.

"Anderson!" he shouts, lumbering his way over and grasping the admiral's hand.

"Major, glad you could make it!" Anderson pumps Kaidan's hand, asking him about the testimony. Kaidan answers earnestly, but half his attention focuses on the marines. One's a red-haired woman he recognizes instantly.

Anderson looks behind him, following Kaidan's gaze just as Shepard turns to face them. Her eyes meet Kaidan's, and his stomach flips again. No shuttle to blame it on this time. He feels drawn to her, like always, but it's her who's moving, not him.

In a second, she bridges the distance between them, her stride sure as ever.

"Kaidan?" she says, eyebrows raised, and he wants to believe there's the hint of a smile underneath all of her stoicism. He takes note of her red hair, cut short and stylish, framing her face and bringing his attention straight back to her vivid green eyes. She has bangs now, and they suit her.

"Shepard." His arms become heavy weights at his sides. His reflexes urge him to embrace her, but there's been too much time and distance between them, and he's afraid of how she'll react. Baffled by indecision, he nods politely.

"Major?" she asks. Her eyes look him over; she must realize he's started wearing medium-grade armor. He revels in the scrutiny of her gaze, especially when her eyes look into his and she seems…proud of him.

Anderson, however, doesn't hide his surprise. "You didn't know?"

There's enough implication in Anderson's question that he'd expected Kaidan to let the former commander know this bit of information.

"No," she says, diplomatically. "Congratulations, Kaidan. You've earned it."

Her hand juts out, and he shakes it. Her hand is just as he remembers it: slightly smaller than his but with a firm, confident grip. She stops shaking, and for a second he doesn't let go. But when he does, his cheeks are hot and he's as embarrassed as if he'd divulged some dark secret.

He still wishes a hug were in order, but he resists the mild temptation. Shepard's all business, and there's no hint in her words or expression that this meeting is anything but professional.

Before Kaidan can think on it anymore, Anderson whisks her away, and he's left standing alone with the Latino LT, who seems a little star struck.

"You know the commander?" Vega asks, watching Shepard and Anderson weave through the crowd.

Kaidan recognizes the expression; it's the same one he had when Dr. Chakwas told him the illustrious Commander Shepard was joining the SR-1 Normandy. That his professional admiration for her had matured into mutual affection still baffled him.

But maybe that was all over now.

"I did once," he says.

. . . . .


	8. Chapter 8

_**Normandy SR-2, en route to Mars.**_

"Shepard?"

Jen's pistol hangs limply at her side as she watches the ground sink away. Each blast of the reapers' weaponry—bolts of red, unstoppable lines—mar the cityscape and bring thousands of lives to an uncontested end.

She squeezes her dog tags in her left fist, the fear and the rage channeling into her palm because she's helpless in the face of all this destruction.

"We better get you some armor," Kaidan says beside her. He pushes a button that closes the hatch, and just like that Shepard's staring at the walls of her ship again, leaving one home for another.

She doesn't bother waiting for Kaidan to lead the way; she knows the rafters and corridors better than anyone. But when she turns to the CIC, Kaidan's hand on her arm stops her.

"Requisitions are below engineering now. Cortez and Vega have been cataloguing our supplies."

"Right," she says, making an about face and heading for the elevator. She punches the command, and the lift descends. She shoves her dog tags into her pocket and tucks her pistol in the waist of her pants.

"They should have listened to you sooner," he says.

She can't look at him right now Tears sting her eyes as she envisions the boy's shuttle exploding over and over again.

"A lot of good it does us now," she replies.

For what it's worth, she's glad Kaidan is next to her. The past few hours have left her feeling rattled, despite all of her training and experience. She knew the Reapers were coming, but she didn't expect them so soon. She wanted to be ready. She had more intel to gather, more allies to persuade. Now there's no more time.

But Kaidan's here, and she's back on the _Normandy_. That gives her some hope, a sliver of assurance.

_Yes, we can do this_, she thinks, remembering all those years ago when the Council had grounded them and she all but lost her temper on the CIC. Out of frustration she sank to the floor, but Kaidan was there. He reached his hand down to help her up. His arms settled her body against his, his hold firm and sure, his words supportive and comforting. Through Virmire and Ilos, through the battle on the Citadel, he had been there for her, right up until the end. He believed her capable of anything.

As the lift slows to a stop Shepard thinks that Horizon is behind them, and Kaidan can be her second in command just like before.

And if she can have him in her corner this time, well, maybe together they can see an end to this war.

The doors slide open, and she steps off the elevator, her step just a little more confident than before.

Joker's voice chimes on the intercom, and she takes in the refurbished shuttle bay while ordering him to Mars.

"What? We're leaving?" Vega makes a beeline for her, and she knows she has him and Kaidan to thank for saving her ship, but gratitude is not what he's looking for.

"Hackett's orders," she says by way of explanation. She halfway listens to Vega fume while she watches Kaidan reload his assault rifle and stock up on medi-gel. The muscles in his forearms flex as he shoves a thermal clip into place and checks the sights. His naturally tan skin contrasts against the whitenes of his rolled up shirtsleeves. Attraction hits low in her middle, just as fierce as it ever was.

_Later_, she tells herself. _Focus on the present_.

"You think I don't want to stay?" she retorts, facing the lieutenant. Her voice comes out harsher that she intends, but in a second Kaidan is next her, eyeing the lieutenant with the calm intimidation of a commanding officer.

Shepard hardly needs Kaidan to take up for her, but it's nice to know he's not fighting her anymore.

Vega salutes. "Sorry, Commander." He gestures to a table behind him. "We've got your armor over there."

The table holds a new set of N7 armor, her name emblazoned just below the left shoulder. Her hand rests on the chest plate, and even more of Shepard's confidence returns. When she pulls the armor on it's like a second skin, and she basks in the comfort it gives her.

. . . . .

"Don't 'Kaidan' me!" The words are out of his mouth before he has a chance to think. The guilt over leaving earth is still smarting, and finding Mars filled with Cerberus reps has him nervous. He thought he trusted Shepard, but now all of the old fears and conspiracies are back full force. He needs answers.

He looms over her as she passively leans against the railing. But he notices the tension pulling at the corners of her mouth, the stern glare of her eyes as she looks back at him.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan." Her expression dares him to contradict her, and his eyes flicker to her lips set in a thin line.

The internal battle rages as he stares down the woman he loved and the Alliance soldier who defected to Cerberus. She's simultaneously his Shepard and someone else, all at once his trusted friend and his ambiguous target.

Practicality wins out as he paces in the airlock. "You worked for them, Shepard," he spurts, hands waving in frustration. "How do I know you're not part of this? What kind of trap are you luring us into?"

"Kaidan…" she says again. The sound of her voice wrapping around his name stops him in his tracks. He can't let her know the effect it has on him, that when she says his name he's ready to believe anything. But nothing adds up, and he has to make it add up. It has to make sense in his head before he'll let himself believe it.

She steps in front of him, her eyes flashing up to his to hold his gaze. She's defiant in the face of his accusations. "I thought you said it was time people started listening to me, _Major_."

Kaidan hears Vega's heavy boots join their confrontation. The lieutenant shrugs his shoulders as his eyebrows rise. "No disrespect, Major, but the commander has been under surveillance for six months. There's no way she's in on this."

For a brief moment, jealousy flares in Kaidan's belly. It's so easy for Vega to follow Shepard, but Kaidan needs answers. James does have a point, and Kaidan finds himself looking back at Shepard, her green eyes as warm and deep as ever.

Something inside him gives-just a little-and the tension between his shoulders disappears.

"Yeah, okay…Commander." He rolls his shoulders and steps back, letting her take the lead.

_You of all people_, he thinks, and he holds onto those words perhaps more than he should. After all this time she still trusts him. He can't return the favor.

Because every time he looks at her, he thinks of losing her again.

. . . . .


	9. Chapter 9

"Kaidan, watch the hallway," Shepard orders him as she and Liara study a security terminal.

He listens to their hushed voices, only able to pick up every few words as his eyes scan the doorways.

"Liara, we're going to figure this out."

Kaidan glances behind him to see Shepard's hand on Liara's shoulder, and his memory flickers so that it sees the woman he loved, on the old _Normandy_, telling his lieutenant self that it was all going to be okay.

Just like he did then, he wants to believe her. He wants to erase the past three years, and just let it all fall back into that old rhythm. He wants to be the one to pick her up and dust her off, the one she turns to.

He and Shepard used to share quiet moments in whatever space they could find-a hidden alcove of the ship, late at night in the officer's mess, her private quarters. He remembers the feel of his arms around her solid and supple body, the way her head would fit in the crook of his shoulder. He used to treasure those moments and think how lucky he was to have her. She was and is the most beautiful and amazing woman he's ever known, and she used to be his.

He finds himself staring at her, watching her lips move as she whispers to Liara, and his eyes roam along the curve of her hips as Shepard reaches for her omnitool.

Just then, her face turns to meet his gaze, and the fantasy vanishes as if were nothing but dust clouds in his mind.

_That's all in the past_, he reminds himself for what seems like the millionth time.

He turns his gaze to the doorways and resumes his guard.

. . . . .

Kaidan keeps on Shepard's heels as they chase Dr. Eva through the archives. Biotics hum around him as Shepard tries throwing singularities to no avail. No amount of power disrupts Dr. Eva's shields. Kaidan doesn't bother trying; he's worried an overload could damage the data.

Shepard's voice is insistent as she rattles off orders to Vega and the _Normandy_.

Something in him is still a little unsettled, but all the evidence leads him to think this was an inside job. Nothing to do with Shepard, nothing to do with Liara. It's just Cerberus and seemingly all the cronies the Illusive Man could muster.

"Still with me, Kaidan?" Shepard's voice asks in his ear piece.

"Yes, ma'am," he answers instinctively. Adrenaline courses through him as they climb to the roof, and whatever distrust he has of Shepard dissipates.

Shepard orders Vega to the roof, and just in time she spots a Cerberus shuttle hovering overhead. She whips out her pistol and fires. Kaidan follows her lead and shoots an entire round before realizing that Dr. Eva was too quick, and the shuttle ascends with minimal damage.

Kaidan's comm crackles, and Vega's voice blares, "I'm coming in!"

Kaidan's eyes glance skyward just as Shepard's hand presses into his chest plate.

"Watch out!" she shouts. She urges him backwards, and Kaidan finally notices the _Normandy_'s shuttle hurtling toward them. Shepard's left hand pulls him behind her while she keeps her pistol raised.

The shuttle looms closer, coming in fast, and slams into the Cerberus shuttle. The rooftop quakes beneath his feet. Shepard slams him onto the floor, landing on top of him just as an errant piece of metal flies overhead. She covers both their heads with her arms and unleashes a biotic barrier around them.

Kaidan gets less than a second to realize that she saved his skin before Vega is helping both of them to their feet.

Shepard's back is to the crash when her hand finds his forearm. "Okay, Kaidan?"

"Okay, Shepard," he answers just before he glimpses Dr. Eva rolling out of the burning shuttle, looking as powerful as ever.

Suddenly, Eva is sprinting toward them, impervious to Liara's biotics and Vega's assault rifle.

Kaidan's hand grips Shepard around waist as he spins her against him to shield her from Dr. Eva's incoming attack. He expects to feel the bruising impact from pistol fire, but a second passes and he feels nothing. Still holding Shepard by the waist, he turns his head around just as Eva's dark silver glove grips his faceplate and pulls him away.

He feels himself lifted into the air, and he flails his legs in a desperate attempt to get free.

"Kaidan!" Shepard shouts. "Let him go!"

From the corner of his eye, he can see Shepard squaring off against Eva. Shepard's commanding voice is laced with tension as she tries to talk Eva down. But Eva slams Kaidan to the ground as if he's a toy, and he can't follow the conversation while struggling in Eva's grip. He looks for any chance—however small—of escape.

Maybe Shepard can keep Eva talking so he can fight his way out.

But he doesn't have time.

"NO!" Shepard shouts, her voice strained. Kaidan feels himself lifted off the ground, Eva's steel hand squeezing his helmet. She slams his head into the fallen shuttle, and the pain is like having ten migraines at once. His sight blurs, and he blinks once before he hears his body slam into the shuttle again.

Then, everything goes black.

. . . . .

Jen lowers Kaidan's limp body onto the med bay gurney, being as careful as she can under the weight of him and his armor. Liara stands across from Shepard, flipping on machines and scanners and plugging them into the bed.

Shepard gingerly removes Kaidan's helmet to give Liara access to his head. His hair his matted across his brow, and contusions litter his face. His body is as lifeless as she feared. His arm dangles off the edge of the bed, and she carefully lines it up next to his body. Her mind's eye sees him with his rifle a few hours ago, and the guilt is almost unbearable.

She should have been paying closer attention, should have radioed Vega sooner. She should have kept Kaidan from running past her. One minute, he's right next to her, and the next, he's dragged away from her. All she can see, again and again, is his body slumping to the ground.

"We have to get him to the Citadel!"

Liara's almost shouting in Shepard's face, but Jen needs a moment, just a sliver of time, to get her head back on straight.

_He reacted before I had a chance to stop him. Just like Eden Prime._

"Shepard."

Liara's firm, blue hand grips Jen's forearm. The physical contact is enough to jolt Jen back to the present.

"Joker, set a course for the Citadel."

"Aye, aye ma'am."

Liara loosens her grip. "I'll do what I can for him here, Shepard. You need to tell Hackett about the data."

Shepard nods, not comforted by the thought of nearly failing her mission, but relieved to have something else to do.

_Focus on what you can control._

She jogs up to the command deck, taking in the Normandy's retrofits with calm acquiescence. The state-of-the art ship finally feels more like Alliance and less like Cerberus. Starred Alliance emblems have replaced the angular Cerberus logos.

It's as close to home she's felt in a while. When she bounds out of the elevator, she shoves a hand in her pocket to stop her dog tags from rattling. Fingering the chain through her fingers, she pauses, and finally she drapes the cold steel around her neck and under her shirt.

. . . . .


	10. Chapter 10

*Flashback*

* * *

_**One week following the Battle of the Citadel**_

Kaidan resituates his pack so that its weight centers between his shoulders.

"Prepare for a hike," she'd said, punching coordinates in his omnitool. "Pack water. It'll take you a few hours."

She'd failed to mention the hike would be uphill, wooded, and marked solely by faded yellow ribbons sporadically tied to robust trees.

Leafy maples, possumwoods, and oaks surround him. A thick forest floor of leaves, dried pine needles and the odd limb are underfoot. He hears the occasional call of birds, a species he can't name, and feels gentle breezes brush against his cheeks and hears tree limbs rustle around him.

He has an hour left, he supposes, having left the lonely hollow some time ago after conferring with the locals. At first, he'd struggled to decipher their thick, drawling accents, but they were friendly enough to make him feel welcome. And knowledgeable enough to set him on the right path.

"This better be worth it," he says, even though he has no doubt it will be.

. . . . .

Jen leans on the deck railing, eyes peering into the tree line, as if Kaidan will simply appear if she stares long enough. She's hardly worried about him, but a small part of her wonders if maybe he won't show, if maybe he's found some other way to spend their three-week shore leave.

The smooth wood beneath her elbows creeks with age, but she trusts in the sturdiness and craftsmanship of her family cabin. While she grew up on various ships with her parents, they often visited these woods on lengthy shore leaves, and the landscape is familiar to her.

The cabin and much of the land around it—mountainous and forested—belonged to her father's family for generations. Jen's grandfather and his brothers built the cabin as a fiftieth anniversary gift for their parents (Jen's great-grandparents). Eventually, the house and land ended up in her father's name. A few years before Jen was born, he and his wife, Hannah, added the deck and modified many of the appliances.

Now the cabin is the model of efficiency, a haven within the heavenly mountains of Appalachia. Jen has only a few memories here, but she often uses the cabin as a place to recharge between assignments. It'd been a few years since she visited, but solar panels and an automatic ventilation system designed by her father, kept the cabin as she'd left it—safe, welcoming, and far from the demands of modern life.

. . . . .

The forest ends abruptly and with one final ribbon when Kaidan finds himself standing in a grassy clearing. Before him stands a cabin, surrounded on all sides by an expansive deck. But what Kaidan notices first is Jen's beautiful figure leaning on the deck's railing. The sight makes him feel a little weightless, as if he hadn't just walked 5 miles through the forest to find her.

He sees her an instant before she notices him. She's facing away from him, her dark red hair blowing around her face. He almost stops breathing for a moment. Eventually her eyes find him, and she makes for the wooden steps toward him as he hitches up his pack once more and walks the final few feet to his destination.

She stops at the bottom step and looks him up and down, her eyes giving away nothing. "You came," she says, one corner of her mouth upturned as she leans on a bannister.

"You doubted me, Commander?" he replies, unable to keep the flirtatious tone out of his voice.

She doesn't move for a moment, and he wonders if he's made some sort of mistake, if he's misunderstood something about the arrangement. The cabin's large enough to have a few bedrooms. Maybe this is a professional meeting, some covert underground Reaper-resistance effort.

"You coming in?" Shepard says before he can decide. She turns to climb the steps, and he follows her inside, his eyes roaming over her curves in masculine appreciation.

The interior of the cabin is bright and welcoming, tastefully decorated with lots of large windows. She gives him a quick tour, seeming oblivious to the trek he's just endured and the heavy pack he's carrying. Eventually, she leads him up a set of stairs. Her hips sway before him, and he's almost _certain_ he understands her intentions.

But he still feels marked relief when she opens a bedroom door and says, "Do you think this room will suit us, Lieutenant?" She faces him in the doorway, eyes bright and teasing. He shrugs the pack off his shoulders, and before he can make another move, Shepard drapes her arms over his shoulders and kisses him solidly on the lips.

When she lets him come up for air, he says, "It is more than adequate, Commander."

"I'm glad to hear it," she says, smiling and pulling him into the room.

. . . . .


	11. Chapter 11

Sometimes, it's the quiet moments that scare Jen the most, like those few seconds before sleep, or the still moments waiting for a lift. Or the eerie silence of a hospital room.

With her crew resupplying and recuperating at the Citadel, Shepard finds herself unable to board her ship. Instead, she stares at the starlit reservoir, arms wrapped around her middle. Medical monitors beep steadily in the background, and if she listens closely enough, she can hear his breathing, shallow and rhythmic.

Nothing is certain between them, and Kaidan's inconsistencies aren't reassuring. But she can't deny how she feels about him, despite everything. Having him by her side on the _Normandy_ felt indescribably right, as if amidst the chaos of war, she had something she could count on. Until he shoved a finger in her face and accused her of treason. Again.

She turns to the bed and impulsively straightens the covers around his torso. Her fingers brush the naked skin of his chest, and she leaves her palms resting there for a moment, skin against skin, until her hands begin to tremble.

"I don't even know what I'm doing here," she says to herself, dropping her hands and walking around the bed.

_He did it to protect me._

She rubs her hand along her brow, and closes her eyes. "Kaidan…" she whispers to the silence, not able to finish the thought.

She stands like this for a while, eyes squeezed shut, replaying Mars as she searches for her own mistakes, wondering how she could have prevented this. She turns to face the bed and rests a hand over his knuckles. Slumping into a chair next to his bed, Jen presses her head into his mattress.

"You have to wake up, Kaidan. You have to."

She closes her eyes for a moment, and all the sleepless, dream-filled nights accumulate, and she slumbers leaning against his bed.

A few hours later, she wakes up, some of her senses restored. She pulls her hand into her lap and stretches her back and shoulders just as a nurse tiptoes around the into the room, taking readings and tapping away on an omni-tool.

_I'm doing no one any good sitting around here. Least of all, myself._

Shepard rises from her chair, straightening her shirt and running fingers through her hair.

She touches Kaidan's forearm to give it one last squeeze, and barely senses the familiar hum the eezo that courses through his veins. A lump forms in her throat, but she forces it away. Reality begins to push into the edges of her mind until she releases her grip and walks out of the room.

_It's probably best this way,_ she thinks. After all, it would be tough commanding a ship if her first officer still didn't trust her, despite the fact that he'd saved her life.

. . . . .

_A few weeks later._

No nightmares. He would have expected them—expected reliving the seconds before his supposed death: Shepard's voice shouting from far away, the AI's mechanical eyes staring him into oblivion. But nothing happens. His nights are peaceful, dormant, steady. Likewise, the view from his bed offers him a serene view of the Citadel.

But it is a masquerade of calm, he knows, and amidst all this serenity is an insistent hum of unease.

Kaidan wants to blame it on the hospital, but he knows the tension is deep inside him, that internal struggle he's never quite been able to resolve. That sort of control, he's learned, comes at a price.

He questions that control. Even as he lies on stiff, white sheets, ensconced in sterile linens, he wishes that he could let go, could simply unclench his fists and…relax.

_Shepard_, he thinks, knowing she is at the crux of this, the world, his survival…his heart. And though her feet trod the path laid out for her, Kaidan doesn't know where he fits: by her side, or on the outskirts of her mission-a worthy comrade or an tangential ally.

There was a time when he saw himself standing next to her forever, both on board the _Normandy_ and anywhere else she went. She was good for him: encouraging and supportive, yet lax enough to find his own way. He knows deep down that she's the reason he's become such a good officer, even if she wasn't around to see it happen.

But for every time that Shepard's been there for him lately, he's shoved an accusatory finger in her face. Now he wonders if she has any forgiveness left for him.

He wants to be there for her like he used to, but he doesn't quite know how.

But he has a small idea of what might work. He shifts carefully on the narrow bed so he doesn't dislodge his IV.

His stronger hand reaches for the bedside comm and pages a nurse. When the someone answers, Kaidan asks for an omni-tool and an extranet connection. The doctor isn't around to say no, and Kaidan uses his special forces credentials to ensure his requests.

. . . . .


	12. Chapter 12

**__**AN: This chapter has earned a rating change, so M-level material follows.

* * *

**_The Shepard Cabin, one week following the Battle of the Citadel._**

Jen pulls Kaidan into her bedroom and tells him to put his pack in a corner by the window.

As he shrugs the pack onto the floor, she watches his muscles expand and contract under his sweat-soaked t-shirt. Desire courses through her, and her body replays the night he bunked with her on the _Normandy._ That night had been too frantic for her liking, and they didn't have time for much more than the basics. But now that they're on shore leave, the possibilities are endless.

Kaidan turns to face her, and in one quick motion, he pulls her against him for a long, deep kiss.

He smells like the forest, woodsy and masculine, and Shepard feels her senses kick into high gear as her heart thumps wildly in her chest.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we said goodbye," Kaidan whispers in her ear as he begins plying her neck with wet, soft kisses. Her body trembles when he finds the spot just behind her earlobe.

His hands find their way beneath her shirt, and his palms roam her backside. Shepard relaxes into him, sighing against his neck. She threads her fingers into his hair and cradles his head to urge him on.

It's more than the physical effect he has on her, she knows. When she caught sight of him walking out of the woods, butterflies started dancing in her stomach, and she felt an elation she had not known in a long while.

Now as her body presses against his, emotion swells in her chest. It is a strange mixture of happiness and longing, some indescribable force within her that all at once tells her to treasure this moment, but be wary of its effect. It's too soon to call it love, but Shepard knows it's nothing she's ever experienced before.

Kaidan lifts her off the floor, urging her legs to wrap around his waist. She gazes down at him, looking into his eyes as he carries her to the bed. She thinks—for a moment—that she can see her whole world in the dark sienna of his eyes. She feels unbreakable, unstoppable, and yet undeniably feminine as he stares back at her.

He lays her on the bed and looms over her. Her feet trace the sculpted muscles of his legs, and she slips a toe into the hem of his pants pulling them up to his knees.

She feels all at once playful and passionate, as if this little act is bringing out all the best parts of herself.

Kaidan chuckles next her face, and his warm breath traces its way along her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

"My pants won't come off that way, Jen," he says with a teasing smile. "But, if you'll undo my belt right here, I think you'll find that an effective approach."

He pulls her hands to his waistband, and her fingers brush against his erection under his zipper. Kaidan releases a quiet moan, and Shepard smiles to herself.

She undoes his belt and pulls his pants and underwear down past his hips. She grips his shaft and gently runs her hand along it. He groans again, this time without reserve. That she can have such an effect on him, makes her feel indescribably powerful.

But Kaidan's hand soon reaches down do pull her away from his cock. "If you keep doing that, this rendezvous is going to be a lot shorter than I intended." He urges Jen against the pillows and covers her mouth with a languorous kiss. His tongue urges her lips apart, deepening their kiss. Kaidan's hand lifts her shirt overhead, exposing her breasts to his more than capable hands.

He continues his kisses as he massages her breasts, teasing her nipples into hardened peaks. Desire hits low in her belly and travels downward until it seems that every part of her body craves his touch.

"Oh, god, Kaidan," she moans against his mouth. He leans back to tear off his shirt, and he is quickly urging her pants and underwear off her legs. Then, he settles himself at the foot of the bed and leans down to place quick, soft kisses along her thighs.

The expectation mounts, and when Kaidan's mouth finds her bud, Jen squeezes his shoulder blades in encouragement. She hears breathy sighs escape her mouth as the flick of Kaidan's tongue urges her to orgasm.

She barely recovers before she feels Kaidan slide himself into her. Her fingernails dig into his skin as he sets a gentle rhythm. He lowers himself onto his elbows, and frames her face in his hands. He says nothing, only locks his eyes with her and groans along with his movements. It isn't long before the pressure mounts again and pleasure overcomes her body just as Kaidan moans and his rhythm slows to a stop.

He rolls away from her, but pulls her against him on the bed. His breath comes heavily, as does hers, but Shepard loves the feel of his skin against hers. She rests her head in the crook of his shoulder and runs her fingers along his abdomen.

"That was amazing," she breaths into his chest.

"I know," he says, kissing the top of her head.

In a few moments, Shepard hears his breathing slow, so she relaxes against him as they both fall into a satiated slumber.

. . . . .

The next morning, Jen wakes well before Kaidan. She leaves him sleeping while she showers and fixes some breakfast. Then, she settles down in the den to look over her maps.

Since arriving at the cabin, she has looked for possible ways of tracking down more of the Reapers. She has almost settled on a plan that she will submit to Anderson in a few weeks.

She sets to work, and time escapes her until hours later she looks up to find Kaidan standing in the doorway. A towel wrapped around his waist and his hair wet from the shower, Kaidan glides into the room. Light pilfers through the nearby windows, showing Shepard the dampness of his naked chest. Desire mounts inside her.

She's sure her expression hides nothing as Kaidan sits down, one side of his mouth upturned in a smile. "Morning," he says, wrapping a wet arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple.

"Morning," she says, leaning against him.

"What's all this?" He points to the table with his other hand as he settles them against the back of the couch.

She explains her plans to him as his hand rubs her shoulder and she gestures to various star maps on the table. With his free hand, Kaidan turns his attention to the topmost map, using a finger to trace a planetary boundary.

The corners of his eyes wrinkle as he scrutinizes the schematics, and that increasingly familiar pang hits her right in the middle. Sweat gathers on her palms, but she has nothing to worry about. She knows her plans are sound; she knows Kaidan will agree with her.

_Then what is it?_ She thinks, wiping her hands on her knees only to feel the sweat form again.

_Tell him,_ something inside her urges. _Tell him now._

_Tell him what?_She counters, but the question is moot when realization hits hard in her chest.

_This is it,_ she realizes. _It has to be._

"I love you," she hears herself blurting, seemingly before she even has time to send the signal from her brain to her mouth.

At first nothing happens. Kaidan's finger stops abruptly on the map, and silence seems to consume them.

_Oh shit,_ Shepard thinks, regretting her impulsiveness. A weight settles in her abdomen, and her shoulders slump forward. But Kaidan's hand is firm on her shoulder. He pulls her against him and maneuvers to cradle her face in his hands.

Her hooded eyes look into his, and he says, "I love you, too."

He kisses her gently, his thumbs rubbing along her cheekbones. "I think I have from the beginning," he continues, pressing her forehead against his. "I've been wanting to tell you since I got here."

Strangely, instead of being overcome with emotion, Shepard feels a weight leave her body. _This is so right,_she thinks, closing her eyes and embracing him.

She told him once that he made her feel like she could conquer the universe. It's even truer now as his arms cradle her. She's known people who've inspired her, but never anyone who seemed to make her stronger from the inside out, someone who could bring out the very best in her.

"Took you long enough, LT," she says laughing against his chest.

"Well, you know me, Commander, always gotta have a way out."

"You know, we're going to work on that," she says, tapping a playful finger on his chin.

"Whatever you say, ma'm," he replies, smiling back at her.

. . . . .


	13. Chapter 13

_**Huerta Memorial Hospital, Present Day**_

Shepard's boots click down the metal hallway of the medical ward. She's anxious to get back in the air, but Kaidan's asked to see her. She grips the bottle of Peruvian Whiskey, pressing the cool glass against her palm, and walks in.

The room has fewer machines than she remembers. There is one IV and a vitals monitor beside the bed. Sunlight invades the wall-sized windows. The scene is a far cry from her last visit, when Kaidan was near death and the room more somber and eerie.

"Shepard! Hey," Kaidan says, sitting up in his bed. Shepard's eyes dart to his naked chest. Most of the bruises are gone, and his tan skin covers a swath of sculpted muscle. She realizes the miracle of his recovery, and slowly lifts her eyes to meet his gaze.

"Kaidan," she nods stepping forward. "Got something for you." She hands over the fine liquor, careful to avoid the wires and tubes dangling nearby.

His mouth lifts in a smirk as he turns the bottle in his hands, reading the label. "Wow, thanks, Shepard. When I get outta here, you'll have to have a drink with me."

Shepard shrugs, taking a seat. "Maybe," she says, noncommittally. She can't tell if his words are polite emptiness or a sincere request. "How are you?"

"Oh, you know," he shrugs and sets the bottle aside. "I'm doing great besides being confined to this bed. I'm ready to get back out there, you know? But the doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. Just to be safe."

Shepard looks out the window, watching the artificial sunlight glisten on the water below. A weight settles in the pit of her stomach. Kaidan's aim at levity is so tempting that she almost gives in. But there's still a tension between them, a quiet unease that keeps everything from being normal. His words on Horizon and Mars tumble into her mind. She can forgive him for not understanding, but she can't forgive his accusations, not without proof that he's changed.

If anyone else had countered her like Kaidan did on Mars, she'd be done with them. She has neither the time nor the patience for her orders to be question at every turn. What's more, he of all people should trust her. She expects resistance from the Council, but never from her friends.

And he was supposed to be more than her friend.

Her body betrays her thoughts as she glances at his nearly healed body lying on the bed. Desire hits low in her abdomen, but she channels the feeling into anger. She's countered every one of his questions with all the honesty she could muster. But Kaidan has a lot to answer for, and she can't afford to let him get away with it any more.

She flattens her hands on her lap, pressing out creases in her pants. "What do you think you'll be doing when you get out of here?"

Kaiadan's joviality fades a bit and he fingers the bed sheet. "I thought I'd get back to the _Normandy_…with you."

Shepard leans back in her chair, sliding her hands over her knees. "Kaidan, I'm not sure that's such a good idea…I've got a crew now. We work well together…"

Her voice fades when she can't even bring herself to demand an apology. She shouldn't have to ask for one, not when she's done all she can to fix things between them.

She stares at the hem of a sheet when she feels Kaidan's fingers touch her hand.

"Shepard. Look," he says, his voice soft and thick. "I owe you an apology. A big one."

Shepard lifts here eyes to look at him. The tight ball in her stomach loosens, but the tension doesn't entirely go away.

"I should have listened to you," he continues. "Like you said. I really don't have a right to question you any more. I mean, I could throw excuses at you—because I've made a lot of them—but I owe you more than that. You're my commander…my…friend, and from now on I won't back away from that."

Shepard pulls her hand away, gripping the arm of the chair to keep her anger in check. "You say that now, Kaidan. But what happens the next time Cerberus shows up, and you pull a gun on me? You thought I was a husk!" Her voice rises, and she takes a deep breath to calm herself.

She glances at his face before going on. "I did trust you, Kaidan. Back on Earth, when we were on the _Normandy_ together, when you were helping me with the crew, I thought it could be like it used to be. You, me, the Alliance. But the stakes are so much greater now. I can't let you on my ship unless I'm 100% sure you belong there."

Her words meet silence, and for a long moment the room is unbearably still. She almost regrets her words, but realizes they needed to be said. For all of Kaidan's grief and anger over Cerberus, she didn't deserve the way he treated her.

It seems like hours before he finally speaks.

"You're right, Shepard," he says, his voice heavy with emotion. He closes his eyes and leans back. For a second Shepard's stomach plummets. She had to be honest with him, but she at least expected a fight.

Kaidan breathes deeply. "What if I did something to show you I'm on your side?"

The question is tempting. In fact, it is just what she needs from him. Proof, undeniable support, something to make up for all the times he's questioned her.

She's careful to keep emotion out of her voice. "What?"

Kaidan resituates himself in his bed, reaching over to a table next to him and picking up a small portable storage device. He holds it up. "This is all the intel I've been able to gather since the attack on Earth. It lists the known—or as best as we can guess—locations of ex-Cerberus operatives."

Shepard eyes the device suspiciously. Does he expect her to track down and kill her former team? Arrest them for noncompliance?

"What are you saying, Kaidan?" she demands.

"Shepard, I'm telling you that these people are like you: defectors of the Illusive Man who wanted out. We've tracked them as best we could—"

"_We_?"

"My team," Kaidan says. "While you were gone, Anderson sent me after Cerberus—covertly. We were going to use this to bring them down, but…but now I see that—"

Jen ponders Kaidan's words and intentions. This could be the key to finding Jacob and Miranda, maybe getting to the bottom of the Illusive Man's motives to control the Reapers.

"Once Cerberus does not mean always Cerberus," she comments.

"Exactly," Kaidan says, slipping the device into Shepard's palm. "You're not supposed to have this. But if those people are out there, you can save them _and_ we can work together to bring Cerberus down before they bring the Reapers with them."

Shepard stares at the miniscule rectangle of plastic in her hand. Her skin still tingles around it, remembering the touch of Kaidan's fingertips as he placed it there. The information it contains is valuable. She thinks of her friends and the intel, all of it a possible asset to the war effort.

"Hold on," she says, lifting up her hand. "Why? I can guess how, but _why?_ All these ex-Cerberus groups you've been following, and you put the plans in motion to save them? You? The Alliance marine who hates Cerberus and anything associated with them? You could get court-martialed for giving this to me."

Kaidan shrugs. "If anyone deserves that information, it's you Shepard."

The sincerity in his voice is so tangible that Jen begins to trust it. This is the Kaidan she knows, the Kaidan she believes in. "Okay," she says, nodding. She makes a fist around the drive and pulls it into her lap.

Kaidan reaches for her other hand, and she finds herself wrapping her fingers around his.

His watches her attentively before saying, "I'm sorry for what I said back on Mars. You didn't deserve that. But…I just want you to know what it was like for me, Shepard. I thought I'd lost you. I spent two years dealing with that, dealing with your death, the guilt…the love. To just forget all that isn't possible."

Pausing, he squeezes her hand before going on. "I still..care. That's never changed. But now I have to face the possibility that I might lose you again, and I'm…scared of what might happen between us."

Shepard nods, taking it in. The tightness in her stomach loosens a little more, but her heart thumps wildly against her chest. "I know, Kaidan. Me, too."

Kaidan slides his hand away, straightening the sheets over his torso. "But I'm willing to work on it, if you are."

Shepard watches him, her eyes flitting across his face and his body. It doesn't seem possible right now. In another hour she has to leave port and get to Sur'Kesh. And when she considers what might happen between her and Kaidan, the galaxy suddenly seems too big, too pressing for her to have room for anything else.

But, she realizes. In another few weeks, she'll be back. The Citadel is the only constant in the wartime maelstrom, and with everything going to hell around her, she thinks a small constant is something worth holding onto.

She lets a smile creep onto her lips. "Let's start with that drink, Alenko. You tell me when you get this biotic menace of a body out of that bed, and I'll come 'round to let you know."

Kaidan laughs, his brown eyes twinkling as tiny creases form on his brow. "I'll hold you to that promise, Commander."

Shepard stands up from her chair, letting a hand slide along Kaidan's forearm. "See that you do, Alenko. Until then, take care of yourself."

Kaidan reaches over with his other hand, IV needles and tubes coming with it, and grips her arm. "You, too, Jen. Be careful out there."

Kaidan's eyes soften, and Shepard detects the hint of pink flush across his cheeks. She knew what it was like now, to see the person you care for most in the world face death. For the first time she starts to understand.

"I will," she promises, slipping from his hold and walking out the door.

. . . . .


	14. Chapter 14

Kaidan flicks on the vidcomm software installed on his personal terminal. Within a matter of seconds Jen's image covers the screen. And even though the picture's a little pixelated, he can still make out the shape of her eyes. His heart gives a little jump when she looks back at him.

"Kaidan," she says just as the picture blinks, and some static comes through the audio. "You look good."

"You too, Shepard," he replies, but even he can see the tiredness in her eyes. "They finally sprung me from the hospital. I'm healthy and fit for duty."

He's _this close_ to asking her how she's doing, if she's getting enough sleep, if she's eating okay. But he's not sure if the relationship is _there_ yet, and anyway, he's star systems away from her.

"Good to hear that, Major." Shepard glances at something on her omnitool before going on. "You going to take Udina's offer?"

Kaidan shrugs. The decision hasn't been made any easier with time. "It's an honor, but I'm not sure I'm up for it."

"Kaidan," she says, her voice soft, "You're a good man. A good soldier. If anyone deserves that honor it's you."

Her words go straight to him, and he feels bolstered by her encouragement. "Well, you've certainly given me a lot to live up to."

Shepard shakes her head and waves off the compliment. "I'm just a soldier Kaidan."

"Yeah, Shepard, but you're one of the best. I'm glad they finally put you in charge."

She chuckles and braces a hand in front of her. She runs a hand across her brow, and Kaidan catches a glimpse of uncertainty in her expression.

"Shepard," he spurts, hearing a give in his own voice. "How are you? Really?" He leans toward the terminal as if it will bring him closer to her. It hurts so damn much to see her and not be with her, to care for her in a way he can't convey over the vidcomm.

She gazes at him for an instant before bracing her hands on a rail and dropping her head. "It's war," she shrugs. "Things could always be better."

"Yeah, I suppose so. But you're taking some downtime, right? Giving yourself a chance to recharge?"

She shakes her head and wanders away from the railing. Putting a hand up to her chin, she closes her eyes. "No time. With reports of Cerberus and Reaper activity and staying clued in on the Crucible…well it doesn't leave me time to do much else. Why do you think I scheduled this vidcomm rather than come back to the Citadel?"

Kaidan hears the frustration in her voice. No one else would notice it. Hell, her whole crew probably thinks her as infallible as ever. But he knows her better than that.

"You didn't have to, Jen—Shepard. If it means I don't hear from you for a while just so you can get some rest, well…it's worth it."

"But, I wanted to check in, Kaidan. It's…it's good to hear your voice, to see that you're healthy. After Mars, I just felt so guilty for what happened to you-"

"Shepard, no," he interrupts. "Don't do that to yourself. Like you said, it's war. Soldiers are going to get hurt, die. You can't take on the burden for all of us. It's Cerberus we should blame, not you."

She glances back at the screen. "Yeah…" she says without belief in her voice. "But you're not just some soldier, Kaidan. You know that."

She watches him, her eyes hooded, and Kaidan can't think of what to say next. Survivor's guilt is something he knows deep down in his bones. Right now, even though he can see her and hear her, he can still sense the emptiness that he'd once carried around with him for a year, the emptiness that comes from believing he'd never see her again, that no matter how much he'd hoped, Shepard was gone.

But that isn't his reality anymore. Here she is, a grid of pixels and lines, but alive and standing. That's what matters now.

"I'm still here," he says. "So are a lot of other people because of you. Don't forget that. The lives you save are so much more than the ones the war takes."

She says nothing for a moment, but finally she nods. "Yeah…I guess so."

Just then, she glances behind her and says something Kaidan can't quite hear. When she turns back to face him, he can see that some of her uncertainty has vanished.

"I'm going to have to cut this short," she explains, pointing a thumb behind her. "Wrex and the Primarch need me."

Kaidan's flustered for a moment. "You have krogan and turians with you? At the same time?"

She nods "The turians will give us ships if we can get some krogan ground troops to Palaven. That's why I can't get back to the Citadel for a few weeks. The krogan need the genophage cure before they'll commit any soldiers." She shrugs. "Makes sense. I wouldn't send the last thousand humans to war if I could help it…but damn if it doesn't make things complicated."

"You're headed to Tuchanka, then? Is there even a cure?"

"Can't say much about it, but yeah, we've got a lead. I don't like tackling a mission without at least some hope of doing it right."

Kaidan nods, part of him imagining what it would be like fighting next to her. She's one of the most powerful biotics he's ever encountered, and the way she commands a battlefield is nothing short of awe-inspiring. He knows that if anyone can win this war, it's her.

But he can't help see the bit of unease still in her eyes when he looks back at her.

"You should take the appointment, Kaidan," she says, interrupting his thoughts. "I don't know when the _Normandy_ can dock again, and it'll be good knowing I have a friend in that part of the galaxy. Udina's not exactly what I'd call a trusting ally."

"Maybe I will." A small sting of disappointment pricks him, but he's proud that she needs him. Even if it's not by her side.

Shepard glances behind her again. "Kaidan, I've got to go. I'll catch you later."

. . . . .

Kaidan has a few hours before he needs to meet Udina for an afternoon debrief, so he visits the Spectre office to check out the new requisitions and maybe spend a few rounds on the shooting range. His first stop, though, is the Spectre terminal, one of his best venues for information on the war.

As he scrolls through the requests, Shepard's name appears many times, and each time he reads it, it's like a prick to his heart. Thankfully, it's not the weighty pangs he had last year, where guilt and dread made everything with Shepard seem hopeless. Now the ache was more akin to a "not now, but soon" sort of longing.

He thinks of Shepard on the _Normandy_ and worries if she's given herself time to rest. He struggles with sleep himself, mostly thinking about her and about them. Before he can stop himself, he wonders if anyone's taking care of her, if maybe Liara or Garrus make her take some rack time, or if Vega goes with her to the shooting range.

Kaidan has to shake away the thoughts and focus. Too much of his spare time is spent missing her, and some days, he wants to be with her so much it hurts.

In his weakest moments, he wishes for an end to the war not so much because of the destruction but because it keeps them apart.

Kaidan closes the terminal with a sense of finality, trying to push thoughts of Shepard from his mind just so he can put a few rounds into the Reaper targets c-sec gave him.

He switches terminals to look at the latest requisitions, hoping for a rifle scope mod. But as he pulls up the list, a siren blares through the speakers.

"Warning. Warning. The Citadel is under attack. Code red. All security personnel are advised to be on high alert."

Kaidan's training kicks into high gear as he starts running mental scenarios. He loads weapons and double checks his armor.

It could be the Reapers, he thinks, or Cerberus, or maybe something entirely different. Whatever it is, his first priority is to protect Udina and the other councilors.

But he'd be lying to himself if that was all he was thinking about.

. . . . .


	15. Chapter 15

**Part 14/Chapter 15**

"Shepard."

Garrus pulls Shepard to the back of the shuttle, away from Vega and Cortez who are going over Citadel schematics.

"Shepard," he says again, without his usual hint of sarcasm. "We don't know what we're going to find down there. But we know that it's got something to do with Udina and Cerberus."

"Yeah?" Jen checks the ammunition in her pistol, hearing the gun give a satisfying click as the first round slides into place.

"And we can assume that Major Alenko's going to be sitting somewhere in the middle off all of it."

"I figured as much, too, Garrus. What's your point?"

"Just…watch yourself out there, Shepard. The major doesn't have the best track record when it comes to separating your deeds from Cerberus's."

Garrus's hand rests on her shoulder, and Shepard sense something different in Garrus, something more slanted than simply concern for a comrade.

The feeling doesn't sit well with her, and she almost suspects that Garrus doesn't trust Kaidan. But Kaidan would never betray them outright, especially now that she's back with the Alliance. And if Udina's dirty, Kaidan would never let that slide.

_No,_ she thinks, _we have nothing to worry about._

. . . . .

The rifle's barrel appears impossibly long. She envisions the slug exiting slowly and following its trajectory straight into her forehead.

_No, he wouldn't. He trusts me now._

Shepard raises her left hand to shoulder height, palm showing. Her right hand lowers her pistol. Kaidan is no fool, she knows, but it's still a gamble.

The turian and asari councilors' shoulders relax noticeably, but Udina's still on edge, his weasely eyes flitting from one face to another.

_Dirty bastard._

"Kaidan," she says, struggling to keep her voice calm, "The salarian councilor was almost killed. If it weren't for Thane he'd be bleeding out in the wards. Don't let the same happen to the others."

The tension doesn't ease at all, and Shepard watches uncertainty flicker across Kaidan's face. Every muscle in Shepard's body is taught with tension, from her clenched jaw to her splayed fingertips. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Udina move, and just as her eyes follow the movement, Kaidan pivots and levels his rifle at Udina's temple.

The shot comes less than a second later.

. . . . .

As Shepard rides the elevator from the hospital, she resists the impulse to run fingers through her hair. All she wants is to get back to her bunk on the _Normandy_ and stare at her fish for the next few hours. The fallout from her and Kaidan's confrontation is still unresolved, and she's still holding back the tears from seeing Thane in the hospital.

_So much grief,_ she thinks as the elevator slows to a stop at D24. _And no end in sight_.

She'd looked for Kaidan around the Spectre office, but he was nowhere to be found. It would have been nice, she'd thought, to clear the air between them. But time won't permit it. Liara needs to get to Kallini as soon as possible, and Shepard is in no position to say no when so much is at stake.

Still, at least the trip will provide her some rack time, and hopefully when they reach asari space, she'll have her head on straight again.

. . . . .

"Kaidan!"

He can't mistake the surprise in Shepard's voice when she finds him standing in her loading bay. His eyes go straight to her face, and guilt swells in his gut. He keeps his arms folded as he leans against the wall, trying to hold it together.

"I was wondering where you got off, to…" she's saying as her eyes catch the bag at his feet.

"I'm just trying to figure out what happened," he blurts. He has a lot to say before he can explain the rucksack. "I can't believe things went down like that. When c-sec went offline, I was working blind, and then you showed up with your gun pointed straight at Udina…"

"Yeah?" Shepard says with her trademark stoicism.

He pushes himself away from the wall, and steps toward her. "My instincts were to protect the council, so I just reacted. I didn't expect to find the woman I love staring back at me from the other end of my rifle."

Shepard nods but gives nothing away in her expression. He hates it; he hates feeling like she's keeping him at a distance. But he can't say he doesn't deserve it.

She shrugs. "We knew going in that you'd be with the council, Kaidan. Unless something worse had already happened to you." She pauses, and closes her eyes for a moment. "I'm glad it didn't. You'd given me enough reason to trust you, so I knew you would see the truth eventually."

Kaidan suddenly finds himself anxious enough to start pacing in the small space. "I don't know, Shepard. So many ways it could have gone down, so many variables—"

Shepard's hand is suddenly gripping his forearm, making him stop short.

"Kaidan, you made the right call. We got all the good guys out alive and Udina got what he deserved. You had to take the shot. If you didn't, I would have."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he admits, relief sinking into his bones.

Shepard's hand falls away from his arm and she nods at his feet. "Now, what's with the bag?"

There's a small lift in the corner of her mouth, giving Kaidan some optimism. "I was hoping to join you on the _Normandy_, ma'am."

When an answer doesn't come right away, the tension in Kaidan's gut gives an extra twist. She has every right to say no.

Long moments pass as she looks down the corridor and back at his bag before finally meeting his eyes.

"I wouldn't dream of destroying the Reapers without you, Alenko."

Kaidan smiles, and reaches for his bag. Shepard's hand touches his arm again.

"I'm glad you're here, Kaidan," she whispers, all stoicism gone from her voice, replaced with a hint of the affection he'd once known.

Then, the realization that he'd inadvertently just told her he still loves her hits him hard in the chest.

. . . . .


	16. Chapter 16

Shepard finds Kaidan leaning against the wall-sized windows in the starboard observatory. Before entering the room, her eyes trace the faint outlines of muscle beneath his t-shirt. Despite everything that's happened in the past few weeks, she feels good about having him aboard.

She's not quiet about walking in, but she doesn't speak until she sits on the edge of the nearest couch.

"I figured you be in here. Settling in alright?"

Kaidan turns around, his bare forearms almost demanding her undivided attention as his hands fiddle with his omnitool. Kaidan has always been alluring, but he seems even better with age. Or maybe it has something to do with his fighting style, he's become even more adept at using his fitness on the battlefield in addition to his top-notch biotic and tech abilities.

He takes a few steps towards her and leans his hip against a nearby table. When his eyes finally meet hers, her heart—of its own volition—starts beating just a bit faster.

"Yeah," he answers. Shepard feels her stomach flip as he gives her a small smile and gestures around the room. "Cerberus didn't hold back when they built this ship, did they?" he says. "It's top-notch. And this room…" he pauses and glances at the windows, "well, let's just say the Alliance would never spring for something like this."

The truth is, this room always reminded her of him. Kaidan used to seek the quiet, and serene places on the ship. The year they were fighting Saren and often visiting the Citadel, she would usually find him sitting in some secluded spot just taking in the scenery.

The memories make her think of Ashley and the war, and regret and loss form a heavy weight inside her.

Her thoughts are interrupted as Kaidan sinks onto the couch beside her. He rests his arm on the back of the couch, and she can feel the pleasant warmth of having him nearby.

"This was Samara's favorite room," she says, wanting to focus on happier memories. "She used to sit in the floor and…float."

This earns her a look of surprise. "Asari justicar can float?"

Shepard shrugs. "Apparently so. Well, Samara can, at least." She turns her head slightly to check his expression.

Kaidan's eyes flicker to the floor before looking back at her. "Sounds like an interesting person to have around."

Shepard catches herself taking in the shape of his lips and the dark chocolate of his eyes. The attraction is as strong as ever, forming a tight knot in her belly. She has to look at the floor again before she can say anything.

"Samara _was_ interesting to have around, the most powerful biotic I've ever seen. And she was wise, too. A valuable squad-mate and friend all around."

Kaidan doesn't reply, and Shepard relaxes against the back of the couch as she gazes out the windows. The stars stream by as the _Normandy_ heads for Kallini, and she wishes she could lean into Kaidan and let him wrap his arm around her. But this thing between them—whatever it is—isn't quite _there_ yet. It would be hard to pick up where they left off when so much has changed.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to meet her," Kaidan sighs, lifting his arm over her head and putting it at his side. "I guess I'm sorry about missing a lot of things. You especially."

She can't decide if this is another apology or just an admission of regret, but either way, she has to let the words settle for a moment. All at once their relationship feels sturdy and fragile, as if trusting on the bonds of the past to ensure something in the uncertain future. But Shepard knows that she wants this. It's not a desire she's buried deep inside of her, but an insistent longing that she'll never shake.

Eventually, she gets enough courage to look at him again, and when she does, his dark brown eyes are looking right back at her. And for the first time in three years, it feels like she's truly seeing the Kaidan she'd once loved.

The words are out of her mouth almost before she's had a chance to process them. "You're not missing me now, Kaidan. I'm right here." She holds his gaze for another second before his eyes shift away.

"Yeah…" he says, a thickness in his voice. And just like that, it feels like a barrier is between them, some shield he's erected to keep her out. A few minutes pass before she makes up an excuse about having to file reports and leaves him alone in the lounge.

. . . . .

Kaidan slides over screen after screen on his omnitool, scanning for codenames and mission distinguishers. His research never yields much, but that won't stop him from checking Alliance wires a few times each day, hoping to find his team.

He drops his arms to his sides and leaned back in his chair. The serenity of observation lounge offers some much-needed respite after their failed mission on Thessia. He'd come close to losing Shepard again. One second he saw her squaring off against Kai Leng, and the next she was falling into a hole created by the gunships. If Liara hadn't been there…

No matter how much he thought on it, everything with Shepard was muddled. He knew deep down that he'd never stopped loving her, and that he still treasures every moment he spends with her. At the same time, it scares the hell out of him. Like the other night when they were on the couch, their bodies so close he could smell the scent of her shampoo. And she had laid it all before him, had gazed at him with affection in her eyes. But all he could do was think of how much it _hurt_ before, and he gave in to that same restraint he's relied on since Vyrnnus died.

"Major Alenko."

EDI's voice startles Kaidan out of his reverie. He looks at the ceiling before replying, still uncomfortable with literally talking to the ship.

"EDI?"

"I have been monitoring personnel activities in the war room, and it would be beneficial to our mission for you to report there."

The message is cryptic, even for EDI. "Did Shepard ask for me?"

The reply is a quick, "Yes," followed by a more reluctant, "No, not exactly."

"Well, why should I go to the war room, exactly?"

"I have observed, Major Alenko, that Commander Shepard's biological indicators of anxiety decrease in activity when you are near her."

Kaidan is already on his feet, staring at a random beam he guesses may house some of EDI's communication wires.

Then, Joker's voice comes through the comm system. "What she's trying to say, Major, is that the commander's upset and EDI thinks you can to calm her down."

Kaidan doesn't bother asking any more questions as his feet all but run to the lift. When he finally makes it down a level, past the scanner, and into the retrofitted tech labs, he expects to find the usual staff milling around, and maybe Shepard frantically scanning the terminal. Instead, the room is empty except for a lone figure hunched against the vidcomm doorway.

Without thinking, Kaidan's next to her instantly, squatting on the floor in front of her. With her head down, hair hangs over her face, and he instinctively brushes it behind her ears. One hand rests on her shoulder while another finds her hand.

"What's up?" he says, aiming for nonchalance, but a slight give in his voice betrays him.

When she finally looks up, he can see guilt and regret mapped across her face. His chest tightens. He wishes he could scoop her up in his arms and tell her it everything was fine.

"The asari counselor's on vidcomm," she says, her voice strong but wavering. "And I have to tell her that we _lost her planet_. Millennia of history and culture, billions of lives—"

His hand tightens around her shoulder. Although he feels this loss, too, he can't imagine what she's going through. The whole galaxy has put this war on her shoulders, and he knows her well enough to see that she blames every failure on herself.

_When someone important to you is up on a ledge you help them. _

He knows what she needs to hear, even if she won't believe it. Of all the people depending on her, Shepard is hardest on herself, and it's his job as second-in-command and her _friend_ to talk her out of the darkness.

"We had no way to know Cerberus would be there," he says, tightening his grip on her hand and pulling her to her feet. "You did all you could."

She looks up at him, cheeks flushed with anger. "Is that what I'm supposed to tell her?"

"Yes," he answers quickly. "You tell her you _did your best_. You helped her when she wouldn't help you. You went to Thessia when she wouldn't go to Earth. Shepard, I know this hurts, but—"

"It's war," she finishes for him.

"We want to save everyone…"

"And that's not going to happen."

"But look at how many you have saved, look at how much you've done already!" he exclaims, bracing both hands on her shoulders. "The primarch, the krogan, the colonists on Eden Prime. And me, you've saved me. More than once."

As Shepard gazes back at him, Kaidan feels the rift between them vanish. He knows that she's vulnerable right now, but he is too. He can't stand to see her in so much pain, but at the same time he has no way of alleviating it. Distantly, he knows he shouldn't be thinking about _them_ with the asari counselor waiting. But everything about the moment is _right_, and there will _always_ be wars and counselors, but Shepard and he will only be now, and he'd be throwing too much away to not take the risk.

His glances at her lips then back into her eyes. Emboldened, he grips her shoulders and pulls her against him. Lowering his head, his lips meet hers. He loses himself in the kiss, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her back.

Soon, she's kissing him back, her soft lips moving over his and sending shivers through him. Her hands squeeze fistfuls of his his shirt, and Kaidan realizes this has less to do with calming her down than trying to make up for lost time. Every part of her amazes him and he's so overwhelmed that he just has to stop thinking and let his feelings take over.

He wants so much to make this last forever. His palms roam along her back, and he cradles her head in one hand, the tips of his fingers plying the strands of her hair. It is only a kiss, he knows, but in it he can feel the fervor of his love fill him from the inside out, as if all the restraint has been sucked out of him.

But suddenly he feels Shepard's hands pressing gently against his chest, and her lips drift away from his.

Her thumb points behind her. "I have to get back to the counselor."

Her lips are still moist from their embrace, but her eyes are stoic, indifferent, and for whatever reason, Kaidan realizes, the moment is gone.

. . . . .


	17. Chapter 17

_So he wants to try this?_ Shepard muses, staring at Kaidan's message. She can't deny that the thought of dinner with him excites her. But it troubles her, too. What does he expect of her? How much can she give him? Before she can reflect much longer, her mind's eye conjures up their kiss in the war room, the safety and warmth of his arms.

_It's Kaidan_, she reminds herself, and she still wants him more than ever.

. . . . .

"I'll have the seared steak and scallops," Kaidan's saying beside her. She can't help smiling at the ease in his voice, the calm way he hands the menu back to the asari server.

"I'll have the same," she decides, eyeing the bottle of red wine atop the table.

_This is good_, she thinks, watching Kaidan relax into his chair, his eyes surveying the early evening twilight.

"Beautiful evening," he observes. He reaches for her hand across the table, and when his fingertips touch her knuckles, her skin tingles.

"Yeah, it is." She remembers the feel of his fingers on her back and neck the other evening. Since then, she's caught herself numerous times replaying every memory she's had with Kaidan, from the first night they bunked together to the shore leave they'd spent at her cabin.

"Thanks for meeting me here," he says, his eyes looking into hers. "I'm glad we have a chance to slow down and talk."

Shepard nods. "Me too. What's on your mind?"

"It's been a rough couple of weeks. It feels like you and I haven't had time to...figure things out between us." He shrugs. "And that's important to me. I want to take some time and find out what we are to each other."

His voice is laced with uncertainty, and it compels her to link her fingers through his. Her relationship with Kaidan has always been complicated, and this time is no different. They're still breaking regulations, but more importantly Shepard wonders if giving into her feelings won't compromise her in some way. Will she be forced to choose between their relationship and the war? What if his team finds him and he has to leave the _Normandy?_ At the same time she realizes that her love for Kaidan is stronger than ever. War has a way of showing her what's important, and in the face of everything, it's him she lies awake in bed thinking about.

Now is the best time for honesty, she decides, but the words won't come. How does she tell Kaidan all of this without making herself vulnerable? She _knows_ that her affection for him is genuine, but the admission remains elusive.

She stares at their linked hands for a long time, gathering her courage.

Finally, she takes a deep breath. "I...I want to be with you, Kaidan. I like the way I feel when you're by my side." _Unstoppable, beautiful, strong…loved._ She shrugs. "We're good together."

He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses her knuckles. Warmth sprouts from her hand and seems to travel through all her limbs.

"Let's make whatever this is between us real," he reasons. "You know that I've got your back when it comes to the Alliance. And I want to be there for you in other ways, if you'll let me."

Shepard doesn't hesitate this time. "I want you, too, Kaidan. I always have." She uses her other hand to trace her fingers along his cheek, gliding over a day's worth of rough stubble. Against her palm, she can feel him smile.

"Then, I'm yours, Shepard—_Jen_. For as long as you'll have me."

_Always_, she thinks just as their appetizers arrive_. Until the end._

. . . . .

"It's kinda nice having you here," Kaidan says ducking his head into the fridge.

"_Kinda?_" Shepard smirks to herself as she surveys Kaidan's apartment. It's bare and small, but looks cozy enough.

He stands up with two bottles of lager and shrugs. "You know what I mean."

"Oh, do I?" She walks toward him, playfully raising her eyebrows. "If it's only _kinda_ nice, I can just go back to my ship where EDI's always glad to see me."

She's comfortable and giddy as she teases him. It's as if the evening has magically reminded her of life away from war, and she's allowed herself to relax. She mischievously slinks an arm around his waist and pretends to go in for a kiss before deftly plucking a bottle from his hand and spinning away.

"What I'm trying to say is…" Kaidan pops the cap on his bottle, "That I spent a lot of time in this place missing you, and to have you right here next to me is…well it's like telling myself it's okay to be happy again."

"Oh, Kaidan." Shepard forgets her momentary playfulness and reaches for him again.

"You've always deserved to be happy." She brushes her fingers along his collar and rests her hand on his neck. Her heart aches for him, but she can't say she feels any guilt. While the past three years have been difficult for him, she was knocked out for the most of it. It would be unfair to hold herself accountable for that.

Kaidan takes a swig on his beer and gestures to the balcony. "Come on. The view is great."

Shepard drops her hand and follows him out to the starlit balcony. He wasn't lying; the view _is_ spectacular. Even at mid-level in the wards, she can see the expanse of the Citadel below. A light breeze ruffles her hair as she and Kaidan lean against the railing. She nurses her beer in the silence.

After a few moments, she feels Kaidan's arm wrap around her, pulling her against him. The closeness sends a flurry of butterflies through her belly. She puts her beer in her other hand and slides her arm around his waist.

"I hate what you went through, Kaidan," she confesses. "If I'd lost you that way..." She's unsure of what to say next. "Well, I don't know what I'd do."

"I do," he admits with a half smile. "You'd learn from it. You'd be stronger because of it. You'd-"

"That's what I said when Ash died," Shepard interjects.

Kaidan nods, looking away from her.

Frustration grows within her. "Losing you would be different. You know that. You're not just under my command." _You're my stars when all the light goes out._ "C'mon, Kaidan. You know how I feel about you. Let's not do this to each other."

He sighs and tightens his arm around her. "Yeah, sorry. Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever been through." A slight give in his voice has her wrapping both her arms around him.

She reaches up and lightly presses her lips against his. "I'm right here, Kaidan.

You've got me. We can't change the past. We can only make the best of now."

"I know," he replies, finally meeting her gaze. "I've missed you so much that it's hard to not think of it happening again. I don't think I could bear it."

Shepard pulls him against her and kisses him again. His lips are warm and scintillating, and desire courses through her. He presses her against the railing with his body as his hands cradle her head. Shepard plies his lips with her tongue, deepening their kiss. Want drives her to squeeze his shoulder blades until her hands fumble to touch the skin beneath his shirt. It's not enough; she needs more.

Kaidan must feel the same way because a second later, he lifts her off the balcony and carries her into his bedroom.

She dimly takes in her surroundings when he sets her on the bed. A gray comforter matches the generic hotel-like artwork, and two nightstands sit on either side of the bed. The bathroom isn't far off, and she distantly wonders if it has a full-sized shower.

Kaidan slides next to her on the bed, desire apparent in his eyes. She studies the sharpness of his jaw, and his dusting of stubble. A wave of emotion hits her, simultaneously fierce and comforting, and for a moment she's mesmerized by the sight of him. _I love you_, she thinks, coming nowhere near saying the words aloud.

"Are you still safe?" she manages to ask through a rapidly forming cloud of lust.

He nods, his mouth nipping at her earlobe. "My contraception meds are up to date," his voice rumbles in her ear. He even manages to make that sound sexy.

"I want you, Jen," he whispers.

"Okay," she replies, her skin tingling with anticipation.

His lips, moist and hot, blaze a trail along her neck and back to her mouth. She threads her hands through his hair, and she can hardly be patient enough to keep from throwing him onto his back and tracing every inch of his skin with her fingertips.

Kaidan gradually slows his kisses and leans back to look at her. Rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs, he says, "You're so beautiful."

Shepard feels her stomach turn over, and she's almost sure she's blushing.

Just then, she feels a familiar vibration on her hip followed by a quiet but insistent beeping. Dread tampers her desire as she slides her communicator off her hip.

Kaidan pulls away and sinks into the bed, disappointment evident on his face.

"Shepard," she answers

Traynor's voice greets her from the other end. "Commander, Admiral Anderson's trying to set up vidcomm with you. When should I tell him you'll be available?"

Shepard sighs and runs her fingers through her hair.

"Give me fifteen, Traynor. I'm just finishing up some business in the wards."

"Yes, commander."

Shepard places the communicator back on her belt.

"Anderson needs me on vidcomm," she explains.

"Okay," he nods. He places a small kiss on her forehead and stands up. "Just let me grab a few things and we'll go back."

Shepard brushes her hair with her fingers and straightens her top as Kaidan rummages in the bathroom.

She glances toward the bed, its blankets askew and wrinkled. She leans down to neaten them, and she notices a holo on one of the nightstands. Looking more closely, she can see her own face grinning back at her. Beside hers, Kaidan's smile is squeezed into the frame, and they look endlessly happy, both of their eyes bright and glistening in the afternoon sun.

Shepard thinks that the scene is from a different life. But it's not. It was just a few years ago that Kaidan snapped that picture. She remembers laughing with him in the mudroom as they'd brought in some rabbits they hunted. She can't recall what was so funny, but Kaidan had raised his omnitool and captured the image.

_I want that_.

The realization hits her hard, surprising her by how accurate it is. She's been a soldier her entire life, trained by Alliance biotics, unlike most kids who weren't lucky enough to be born in space. And Jacob was right when he told her that the _Normandy_ was her family. But looking at the holo, at the joy in her and Kaidan's eyes, she yearns for moments like those, for a time and place away from war and fighting. The time wouldn't come soon, but someday…

"Hey, you alright?" Kaidan interrupts her thoughts, voice laced with concern. With a small bag in hand, he sidles up next to her, placing a timid hand on the small of her back.

She nods, blinking back a sudden sting of tears.

"I love that holo of us," he says, his hand now running assuredly along her back.

"Me too. I never had a copy," she admits. "I used to tote around a holo of your ID picture and keep it on my desk. But this one is much better."

"You kept a picture of me?"

She nods, taking in the image again, and swallows hard. "I want this, Kaidan." She looks up at him. "Not now, I know, but someday I want this. For us."

"Yeah?" His hand leaves her back to tuck an errant piece of her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah."

"Okay." He takes the holo and slips it into his bag.

* * *

_AN: Thanks to everyone who's followed, favorited, and especially reviewed! Your support makes a difference._

_This will be the last update for a couple of weeks until I get the funds to buy and play through the DLC, but I promise to update again as soon as I can!_

_Brief explanation on contraception: First, no way would Shenko not have some form of birth control. Second, scientists in India are working on safe, effective male birth control. Considering the scientific and technical advances of the ME universe, it only made sense to go that route here._


	18. Chapter 18

Kaidan's head throbs. It's as if a giant's hands are squeezing it from all angles, attempting to converge his skull and brain into one ugly ball of agony. The dinnertime clamor in the mess does nothing but aggravate the pain further. Across the table, Shepard drinks from her coffee mug, and he tries to focus on her, tries to study the curve of her lips, the brightness in her eyes. But he has to take his head in his hands and rest his elbows on the table. It's been months since the last migraine, but he seems to be making up for it.

Now he can't bear to move.

"Kaidan?"

He loves the sound of her voice-he really does-but the two syllables are like hammers on his temples. He can't even look at her. He presses his palms on his forehead, squeezing his eyelids shut.

_I just need to make it to my rack._

"Migraine," he mumbles, scooting back in his chair. The legs squeak against the floor, and he flinches from the unbearably loud noise. Before he can make it away from the table, Shepard has her arm around his waist. He leans against her, slightly ashamed that she has to take care of him but relieved that she's near.

"We'll get you to bed. Okay?"

"Yeah," he replies, regretting that the exchange can't imply something more sensual than him crawling beneath the covers on his narrow bunk and burying his head under a pillow. He shuffles along as Shepard leads them to the hall, and he doesn't really know why she takes him on the elevator when the crews' quarters are right there. But maybe she's going to stick him in a sleeper pod, and he can bear that, he guesses. At least it's soundproof.

But when they step off the elevator, the ship is silent and calm. He opens his eyes just enough to let a sliver of light in, and the room around him is dim and blue, and he realizes this isn't where he expected to end up at all.

"Your quarters?" he whispers. Shepard doesn't pause. She keeps guiding him forward, and he squints to make out the plush down comforter on the full-sized bed.

_Oh, this is nice_, he thinks before another throb warns him to not get any ideas.

"Here?" he asks.

Shepard lowers him onto the bed, and with a deftness he can't quite figure out right now, she tucks the covers in around him.

"I'll do my work in Liara's office for the evening," she whispers.

He can feel her hand on her chest, and he wishes he could touch her, too, but he just wants to sleep.

"Okay," he murmurs, his head sinking into the large, soft pillow.

. . . . .

Some hours later, when Liara has gone to sleep, Shepard wanders back to own quarters, finding Kaidan just as she left him. Shrugging, Shepard settles herself onto her couch, a stack of datapads next to her and the lamplight giving her just enough illumination. She picks up a report about the Quarian flotilla and leans back to read.

In front of her, Kaidan sleeps soundlessly on the bed. He's nestled in her blankets and under her embroidered comforter. She finds herself distracted by how peaceful he looks: his mouth relaxed, his breathing slow and steady. She loves being near him, even if it's nothing romantic, but she can't help feeling the weight of another responsibility on her shoulders. If Kaidan was hurt so badly after the Collector attack, if he's so scared of losing her again, will his feelings-_their _feelings-compromise the mission?

Shepard shakes her head, closes her eyes, and stares at the ceiling. She really shouldn't doubt him, after everything. He's just as loyal to the Alliance as she is, just as driven, just as principled. They can no more let their feelings drive their decisions now than they did three years ago. Surely he knows that as well as she does.

With renewed determination, she turns her focus back to the report, and for the next few hours she continues reading in the lamplight. When she finds her eyelids becoming heavy, she lies amidst the discarded datapads and falls asleep on the couch.

. . . . .

Kaidan jerks awake when a datapad clatters to the floor. Before his eyes can focus, he hears Jen's voice somewhere near him, and his gut twists when he realizes she's groaning quietly in the dark.

"I can't find you-slow down-oh, god-no-just wait…"

Kaidan tosses the covers aside, his eyes now able to see in the dimness, and he alights on Shepard's writhing form as she tosses and turns on the couch. He kneels in front of her and shakes her gently.

"Jen…hey…wake up."

She mumbles again before her eyes shoot open and stare back at him. "Kaidan?"

He runs a hand through his hair, and he can't help smiling as he looks down at her. "Yeah, babe. It's me. You were having a nightmare. You okay?"

Shepard sits up, turning to face him, and she leans her elbows on her knees. "I must have fallen asleep. Damn it."

Her hand halfheartedly reaches for a datapad, and Kaidan slides his fingers over her knuckles to stop her

"C'mon, it's late. You need to get some rest."

She looks at him, her eyes and cheeks puffy with sleep, and Kaidan's almost dumbstruck by how cute she is. He sits up on his knees, tilting his head to the side, and kisses her softly on the mouth. "Come to bed with me," he whispers against her lips.

She doesn't protest as he pulls her off the couch and onto the bed. She burrows beneath the covers, and Kaidan pulls her into his arms, unable to keep himself from holding her close. Their eyes meet in the darkness, and to Kaidan she looks vulnerable and scared, her eyes crinkled with anxiety.

"Do you want to talk about your dream?" he asks, touching his fingers to her cheek. She shakes her head, leans forward, and kisses him.

Her lips are moist and lush as they move against his. He loves her taste and her touch, and as she teases his upper lip with her tongue, his concern about her nightmare fades. She pulls herself on top of him, and Kaidan grips her hips as their tongues and lips dance together.

Wordlessly, Jen removes her shirt, and slides her fingers along Kaidan's stomach. She kisses him again, hot and wet, and their limbs tangle together among the sheets as the rest of their clothes come off, giving way to a maelstrom of desperate kisses and the touch of his skin against hers. Kaidan's surprised by how much he wants this, how he longs to be close to her-emotionally and physically. He feels he'll never get enough of this, enough of her. He can't see much in the dim light, but his hands caress her back, her hips, her obliques. And when he feels Jen's pelvis sliding against his hips and when she lowers herself onto his prominent arousal, he hangs on to her as tightly as he dares.

The move together; him inside of her, her legs over his waist; and he's reminded of all the other nights they've shared. A few months ago, he'd never expected to be with her again, but now it seems that every part of him is touching her. He holds her close as they move as one, climbing together to the point of release. It ends too quickly, but it's so wonderful at the same time, the feel of her hair against his chin, the weight of her body on top of his, the sound of their quickened breaths in the darkness.

Kaidan finds her hand and grips it in his. A moment later, she rolls over to lay beside him, he wraps his arm around her waist and pulls the covers over them. Soon, he hears her breathing slow down as she falls asleep next to him. He relishes keeping her body next to his and the protective drive that stirs in him. He knows the war rages around them, but that doesn't stop him from imagining a future that's just a bit brighter than it was a few weeks ago. He tightens his hold on her, and for the first time in a long while, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

. . . . .

* * *

_AN: Hopefully I'll be able to publish once a week or more from here on out. Thanks for being patient with me! _


	19. Chapter 19

When Jen wakes up in the morning, she's still nestled in the curve of Kaidan's body with his arm holding her close. Despite her reservations about _them_, she can't deny that she feels better rested than she has in months.

"I could get used to this," Kaidan drawls in her ear.

His voice fills her with warmth and comfort. "Me too." she admits. She's still naked, she realizes as she rolls over to face him. "It's a little…unprofessional, though."

"But you're the one who brought me up here, Commander." He arches his eyebrows, and she can't help smiling back at him.

"Professional courtesy, Alenko. I can't have your migraines preventing you from performing at your best." Not that he'd had any trouble performing last night.

"Oh, and I guess this little sleepover was just to improve my morale?"

She nods, unable to hide her smile from him. "It worked, didn't it?"

"I'll say." He leans his forehead against hers and kisses her sensuously.

When he releases her, she sits up in the bed, putting some distance between them. Across the room, her terminal's green light flashes insistently at her.

"You okay?" Kaidan places his warm hand on her back.

"Yeah," she says, trying to give him a reassuring smile. "I just have a lot of work to do today. I'm kind of anxious to get started."

"Alright," he replies, sliding his hand away. "Lunch later?"

"Sure."

. . . . .

Freshly showered and already missing Kaidan, Jen sits down at her desk. Instead of going down to the mess for breakfast, she has coffee in her cabin. Worry still clouds her mind, but she tells herself she's concerned over nothing. She has to keep reminding herself of that all morning.

By the time the _Normandy_ gets to the flotilla and the admirals ask for her help, she finds herself deciding that Garrus and Tali will go out with her instead of Kaidan and James. Tactically, it makes sense, and emotionally it will give her some breathing room. Even so, when she suits up, it's more than a little disconcerting how empty she feels without Kaidan by her side.

When she ends up alone anyway, she's relieved that she hadn't brought Kaidan along. She could just imagine him objecting to the whole plan, especially the part where she's walking along a decimated hallway, looking for a hatch that lets her into a geth dreadnought. Perhaps this is how she'll handle it-keep Kaidan away from the really dangerous stuff so she can focus on the mission.

Even if that mission has her tempting death. Again. _Disorienting_ doesn't begin to describe it as she traipses down the blown corridor. Debris clouds her field of vision, and if it weren't for the magboots, one wrong move and she'd be jettisoned into space. She can't deny the feeling is all-too familiar, and she regrets not triple-checking the integrity of her suit, not examining every hose and wire giving her life support.

She hears the booming cannon fire around her as a generations-long war rages. She's doing this for Tali more than the flotilla, although she needs those ships, too. But all she sees is needless destruction, self-serving and shortsighted, and at the same time a mirror to her own struggle: organics versus synthetics. Diplomacy has nothing on the pursuit of perfection.

She maneuvers around a pile of metal, and the world spins. She shakes her head to absolve the dizziness and trudges forward.

. . . . .

By the time Kaidan realizes Shepard isn't coming to lunch, it takes him a seemingly long walk to the CIC and a debriefing from Traynor to find out that Shepard's on a mission without him. The rejection stings, but it's secondary to the debilitating fear that grips him when he discovers she's on a spacewalk. It's too easy for him to imagine a disastrous, tragic outcome, and he can't stop himself from storming into the cockpit.

"Major?" Joker eyes him suspiciously.

"What is she doing?" Kaidan blurts, hoping more information will alleviate his dread.

"Infiltrating a geth dreadnought." Joker's hands fly across monitors, and Kaidan struggles to keep his temper in check. He blinks a few times, glancing from Joker to EDI. It's still unnerving to see Eva's body on the Normandy.

But even more worrisome is the sound of Shepard's voice over the comms. It's hitting too close to home listening to her narrate a space walk. Anything could go wrong, _anything_. He can't fathom why she's out on this mission without him. He would have stopped her-probably-and taken on the walk himself. No need for them to tempt fate and give it another chance to space the woman he loves.

He slumps into a nearby terminal station, and activates the comm next to it. "Shepard," he says, "talk to me." _Give me one reason to not suit up and come after you._

. . . . .

"Major?" Shepard pauses at the sound of his voice, and she knows that he's worried about her. The words, _"Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever been through,"_ ring in her head. At the same time, she's comforted by his metaphorical closeness. But she can't let that affect her. Regardless of their feelings for each other, the mission always comes first. He has to know that.

"Yes, ma'am. Joker's briefed me on the mission. Is…everything…alright?"

"Nothing we can't handle. I'll be on the other side soon; Garrus and Tali are waiting to join me." _I'm fine. I'm not alone._

"Noted. I'm going to monitor your status from here."

"Fine, Major."

. . . . .

_"...The dreadnought is helpless..."_

Kaidan listens to the Quarian comm channel while studying the terminal in front of him. Shepard curses in his ear, and Kaidan stares blankly at the screen as Admiral Gerrell's fleet surrounds the Geth ship.

"She's still on there!" Kaidan exclaims. He grips the armrest and rises to his feet.

The comm chatter continues, and Kaidan hears an explosion echo on his headset.

"_Bosh'tet!_" Tali shouts. "_Shepard, we have to get out of here!_"

"_I'm trying, Tali!_"

He almost can't stomach it, and the fear is crippling as he stares at the monitors and watches the dreadnought's life support readings plummet.

"Joker," he orders, "Can we get to them?"

"Negative, Major. Too much firepower out there for us to get any closer."

Kaidan wishes he could open the view screen and get a look for himself, but exposing the windows is too risky. Instead, he turns his microphone on and calls the shuttle bay.

"Cortez? Can we get anything down there to get them out?"

"Negative, sir. The shuttle's shields couldn't handle it."

Kaidan paces in the cockpit. "Damn it!"

He switches channels and tries calling her. "Shepard?" His voice feels shaky, and fear makes his limbs tremble. There's no way he can get to her.

"_Not now,_" she replies, and he almost can't stand not knowing exactly what's happening. He has to keep calm. She needs him to have his head on straight, but he refuses to stand by helpless.

He switches channels again. "Quarian Fleet. This is Major Alenko on the _Normandy_. Hold your fire. Let's get our people back safely."

There's no response. Meanwhile, he hears another muted explosion.

"_Garrus!_" Shepard's voice sounds in his ear.

"_I'm good Shepard. Just stumbled._"

"_Okay,_" she answers, her voice sounding slightly calmer. "_Tali, do the schematics say anything about escape pods?_"

Kaidan clings to hope as he stands motionless in the cockpit. Radio silence ensues, and his earpiece crackles with static.

"What's going on?" he mumbles, punching buttons on the terminal.

"Shit!" Joker exclaims. "They've lost gravity."

All Kaidan can think of is her venting into space, her body plummeting through some toxic atmosphere. _Alenko, you have to pull it together._ He takes a deep shaky breath and exhales slowly. _She'll find a way,_ he tells himself. _She always does._

Well, almost always.


	20. Chapter 20

Garrus and Tali exit the shuttle first. Tali has her hand pressed against a hole in her envirosuit.

Kaidan hears Shepard's voice from inside the shuttle. "Garrus, get her to Chakwas. Now."

Cortez comes out next, and it takes all the willpower Kaidan can muster to not shove the pilot of his way. Then, just as Cortez starts fiddling with the shuttle's wires, Jen hops out, her armor scratched and covered in dirt.

"Commander," Kaidan says, stepping towards her. His words are professional, but his actions aren't. He slides his hand over her gloved fingers just as she releases the snap on her helmet. As she takes off her headgear, revealing sweat-soaked hair and a pale complexion, Kaidan can't help putting a hand on her shoulder and stepping even closer. Jen shoves hair out of her face, and begins to remove her gloves. Just above her left eye, Kaidan sees the red slash across her brow. An instant later, his fingertips are pressed against her skin, and his eyes are examining the hardened, clotted blood on her face.

"It's nothing," she says, pushing past him to get to her locker.

_It's not nothing_, he silently protests. The whole scenario is almost too ludicrous to believe. But Kaidan watched it all happen. He watched Gerrell fire on Commander Shepard while a geth-a _geth_-flew her to safety.

"It's ruined your armor," he replies, grasping at something practical to say before his emotions betray him.

Shepard squats to unbuckle her boots and continues removing each piece of N7 armor until she's left wearing a tank top and close fitting pants. "I have other sets." She shrugs and pulls a towel off the shelf to clean her face.

Kaidan doesn't miss her wincing when she scrapes the terrycloth over her wound. "Shepard-"

"I'll get it bandaged, alright?" She shoves the towel back into her locker and stalks to the elevator, leaving Kaidan motionless in the armory.

Cortez approaches Kaidan, his omnitool glowing. "Should I just send the admirals back to the war room when they get here?"

Kaidan turns to look at the LT. "Is that what the commander wants?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then that's what we do."

. . . . .

_One, two._

_One, two, three, four, five, six._

Shepard makes tight fists with her hands; the pressure of her fingernails against her palm comforts her. She counts the fish again, first by species, then all together.

_You're safe_.

Her breathing slows as she ticks away at the numbers. The cut on her forehead begins to sting, and she welcomes it. In a minute, she'll go to the medbay. Right after she counts them again.

She's made it up to sixteen when her door slides open, the click of the lock sounding like it's miles away. The floor sways beneath her feet, but she knows it's all in her head, she _knows._ But she still feels like she's suffocating, still feels like the O2 is venting from her suit, propelling her through a vacuum whose depths she can't fathom.

"I'm here." The voice is weak and distant, his touch too ethereal to be real. But it's insistent, pressure builds against her shoulders. Her fists unfurl as his fingers pry open her palms.

"Listen to me, Jen."

Callused hands grip her forearms; his face blocks out her view of the fish. She focuses on the eyes in front of her. Brown irises stare back. She watches his lips move, and it sounds as if he's shouting from far away. She blinks, trying to bring her surroundings back into focus. Suddenly sounds rush toward her, carried by his words.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you. You're okay. You got everyone back."

Her eyes meet his, and realization washes over her. "Kaidan?" She throws her arms around him, burying her face against his chest. She feels like crying, but tears don't come. They never do. She can taste the adrenaline in her mouth, feel her muscles ache with tension.

"I've got you." His hands on her back hold her close, and it makes her feel so weak that he's seeing her like this. If he had just let her finish counting, she'd have been fine.

"I was so scared," she whispers into his shirt.

"I know." His voice and arms wrap around her, shrouding her in certainty.

"How did you know? I didn't realize it until we got back, until I stepped onto the _Normandy_."

"I'm an old soldier Shepard. I know a flashback when I see it." He pauses, placing a gentle hand on her head. "Let's get you patched up, okay?"

He steps back, slides his forefinger under her chin, and urges her to look up at him. He eyes the laceration on her forehead.

"How did you get in here?" she asks, watching him take a bandage from his pocket.

His fingertips gingerly press into her forehead. "Hacked the lock."

_I love you_, she thinks, feeling the medicated bandage cover her wound. She doesn't want to admit to needing anybody, but Kaidan makes it almost impossible for her to face her demons alone. Back when he was still at Heurta, he knew exactly what he need to do to earn her trust back. Now here he his-his hands taping up her wound, his voice calming her anxiety-doing and saying all the right things.

"You aren't angry, are you?" His eyes find hers as he balls up the bandage wrapper in his fist.

"No. You made the right call."

"Yeah?" His eyes are full of questions as he looks back at her.

She nods. "I needed someone, Kaidan. I'm glad it was you."

"It's always going to be me, Jen," he replies, cupping her cheek. "I love you, and whatever battle you're up against, you're never alone."

She should say it back this time, not dodge it like she did back on the Citadel. But she can't. Silence ensues until she hears herself changing the subject altogether. "The password's J-A-K-S. Save yourself the trouble next time."

She's sure he'll catch on to the pattern, but all he says is, "Next time?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah." He gives her a half smile and pulls her against him again.

* * *

_AN: Thanks for all the reviews, favorites, and follows. You guys are awesome!_


	21. Chapter 21

The waves roar, sloshing water onto the platform and covering his boots in dirty brine. So far, he and the lieutenants have held their position and kept the reapers from damaging the shuttle. Still, Kaidan doesn't like it. He doesn't like fighting without Jen next to him, doesn't like the way the saltwater coats his armor, sending droplets into his face every time he throws up a barrier. He doesn't like hearing silence on his earpiece when Shepard's voice should be talking to him.

He reaves a charging brute just as Cortez fires a few rounds into the beast's head. It slams into a crate, shaking the entire platform with its weight.

Kaidan should have stopped her. He wanted to. He wanted to strategize a little more, find some sensible way to get them back to the Normandy, something that didn't involve her SCUBA diving in some makeshift personal submarine.

"Need clips!" he shouts behind him, and Cortez tosses them over. Kaidan aims his rifle at the nearest marauder and takes it out with a few rounds. He focuses on the enemies in front of him, turning the battlefield into a tactical map and plotting his next kill.

But he still listens, he keeps dissecting every sound, trying to find her voice amidst all the fighting.

Eventually, the platform shakes again, and he glances around for the brute he hasn't found yet. An instant later, when he feels another splash of water against his heals, he glances behind him.

Shepard's already toppling out of the mech, her limbs limp and breathing heavy. He catches her arm before she hits the ground, and pulls her body against his.

"Let's get out of here," she chokes, using Kaidan to support her as they run for the shuttle.

. . . . .

He knows he's said it wrong, knows that he should have kept his mouth shut and just wrapped the blanket around her.

But he didn't. Instead, he told her, "_Don't you ever do that again_," and now the blanket's resting unused in his lap.

And she's glaring at him, her green eyes icy and unblinking, her lips pulled into a thin line.

"Cortez," she says, looking past him, "status?"

"Everything looks good, ma'am. Should meet up with the Normandy in thirty."

"Good. Tell Traynor to get Hackett on vidcomm after we rendevous."

"Yes, ma'am."

She looks at Kaidan again, eyebrows upraised, and he knows the conversation isn't over.

He should have said it differently. Something like, "You had us really worried, commander." Or, "Next time, I'll jump in the ancient mech."

Shepard pulls the blanket out of his hands and wraps it around herself. Her hair-darkened, saltwater-soaked tendrils-hangs in her face as she leaves his side to gaze out the window.

He steps toward her, his hand almost reaching for he shoulder. "Shepard, I-"

"Major." She glances back at him before staring out the window again. "I need you to check the backup systems in case we run into any more trouble."

"Yes, ma'am," he replies, sliding a hand across his brow.

. . . . .

Later that evening, after Kaidan's filed his daily report and signed off on the week's duty roster, he makes his way to Shepard's cabin.

He's not sure what he'll say when he gets there. How can he possibly tell her how the fear grips him at almost every turn? How it hurts, even now, to look at her during those quiet moments and feel himself imagining she's only a dream, that he'll wake up the next day and be alone again?

He taps in the password and takes a deep breath as the lock clicks open.

"Kaidan." She's sitting at her desk, and she sets a datapad aside as she turns to face him.

"Hey." He leans against the wall next to the washroom, and folds his arms across his chest.

"We're gonna talk about what happened out there today."

"Yeah. It got a little rough, Shepard. It's not easy watching the woman I love plunge into a roaring ocean."

She gives him a faint smile, but he knows she won't return the endearment. She never does.

"You know it's not going to get any easier. You have to accept that," she says, her posture erect as she looks up at him from her desk chair.

He drops his hands to the side. "Why is always you, Jen? Why did you have to be the one in the mech? Why not send me or James? Cortez?"

The glare comes back, the icy stare of her green eyes. "Don't you dare ask me that." She gets up from the chair, one hand slicing through the air. "You expect me to send someone else on a dangerous mission instead of doing it myself? You would never do that to someone under your command. I would never ask that of you."

Right now, he hates sharing her with them-with the crew, with the Alliance. But he knows it's one of the things he loves most about her. It was that one moment, that half second back on Eden Prime when the damn beam was humming and flashing, and there she was, pushing him out of harm's way and taking the punishment for his overly eager curiosity.

He wouldn't have it any other way, honestly. But that idealism and his attachment to her are warring within him. It hurts like hell. At the same time, he knows it's moments like those-when your back's against the wall and you don't question putting your life on the line-that make a soldier who he is.

Like the time he set that nuke on Virmire and didn't expect to make it. He wanted Ash to get out, and he was ready to guard that bomb and be around when it went off.

But there's the other time. When the _Normandy_ was going down and he didn't stick around to make sure Shepard got out, too.

"You're right," he shrugs. "But it scares me, Shepard. Every time there's a chance I could lose you, I...I want to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen.

"I know," she whispers, leaning against the office's doorway. She reaches for him and hooks a forefinger through his belt loop. "I need you to be my strength, Kaidan. Even if that means telling me I can do something when you think I shouldn't."

"I'm sorry." He puts his arms around her and pulls her against him until she rests her head on his chest. "I'm here for you. I really am."

"I know. I worry about us. Are we doing the right thing?"

He tightens his hold on her. "Yes," he says without hesitation. "I didn't stop you. I wanted to, but I didn't."

She looks up at him. "We can't ever let _this_ come before the mission, Kaidan. I have to believe that we never will."

Her gaze shifts away, her brow furrowed. He's not especially eloquent when it comes to expressing his feelings, but Shepard makes him look like a poet.

"I don't know why you always make me feel this way when the galaxy's at stake, Alenko." She smiles, almost to herself since she's not looking at him. "I keep telling myself that once this is all over, I'm going to slow down. I'm going to give myself the time..." Her eyes meet his. "Give myself the time to love you like you deserve."

He gazes at her, feeling his heart beat faster in his chest. "Jen..."

"You're an amazing man, Kaidan."

She presses a hand against his chest. He covers her hand with his.

"But we have to get through this first," she continues. "Every asset we get, every reaper I kill, every Cerberus unit that goes down, gets me that much closer to the end. Gets me that much closer to you and me hunting rabbits in the woods and eating dinner in front of the fireplace. I gotta focus on that, Kaidan."

Her words humble him. He imagines holding her in front of the fire, maybe there's a black labrador sprawled on the floor nearby. A couple of kids sleeping upstairs.

"I'm gonna focus on that too." He traces a hand down her cheek, and he's surprised when his fingertips touch moisture. "As if I didn't have enough reason to fight already, you go and give me more hope than I dared to dream of."

"Just shut up and kiss me, Kaidan."

So he does.

* * *

_AN: Whew! Just made it in under a week. _

_I've been thinking about the in-game love scene and whether to include it here. I could ret-con it and do something different, or just put a small spin on what's in-game, or leave it out altogether. So, if you have a preference, just drop a review or a PM letting me know. _

_Thanks to all you lovely readers!_


	22. Chapter 22

_AN: I've been sitting on this chapter for a couple of weeks worrying over it. Sorry for the slow update._

* * *

Shepard takes a long drink of the Peruvian whiskey.

"I'm glad I'm not doing this alone, Kaidan," she stops short of saying she needs him because that sort of thinking gets her into trouble.

"Was there ever any doubt, Shepard? This ship's full of people who've got your back." He takes a swig on his whiskey, exhaling loudly after he swallows.

He's misunderstood her, but she doesn't correct him. "Yeah."

"Garrus'd follow you into hell if you let him." Kaidan refills their glasses. "He told me how you found him on Omega."

"Cerberus found him. I just got him out of that pisshole."

"Yeah, but it was you he followed, not Cerberus."

She drains the rest of her drink, smirking. "Be hard not following me when I saved his ass." Her toes tingle as the potent whiskey starts going to her head. She waves off Kaidan's offer for a refill. The quick drink begins to look more like an officers' gab fest. Not that she minds. Too much. The datapads will be around when she sobers up.

"I didn't," Kaidan says, glass half full, voice almost imperceptible. He stares at the golden liquid, swirling it around. "Back on Horizon."

"Wasn't saving you," she explains. She leans back on the couch, arms and legs crossed. "Didn't even know you'd be there. Another one of the Illusive Man's lovely little surprises." She uncrosses and recrosses her legs. "Man, did that piss me off."

"Me or the Illusive Man?"

"Both." Shepard grips her glass and thrusts it toward the bottle. Kaidan fills it halfway. She downs it in two gulps. "I missed you. I kept waiting for you to fall into my lap like Garrus and Tali. And when you did…" She shrugs. "Well, you know how that turned out. Made me question a lot. The Alliance, the mission, myself. The Alliance _is_ my family; I've never known anything else. But they had me chasing down geth, and the council wouldn't listen to reason. What are you supposed to do when your family won't let you protect them?"

"_I_ should've listened to you."

Shepard shakes her head. "You didn't know. All you saw was a marine raised from the dead. A defector in sheep's clothing."

"No, I didn't." His voice is firm as he sets his glass on the table. "I saw all my grief staring back at me. I saw the woman I'd spent a handful of nights with and two years mourning. I knew it was you, Shepard. Way deep in my gut, I knew it was you. And it hurt."

Shepard doesn't take her eyes off him. The past three years are etched into him: gray hair at his temples, crinkles around his eyes, stress and age pulling at his brow. But his jaw is square, his eyes sure and piercing.

He meets her gaze, and she thinks she'd trade those three years for anything. She slides across the couch just to get closer to him, to smell his scent, feel his warmth. She thinks of trailing her fingers along his skin, tracing the dips of his chest, spreading kisses across his abdomen.

"I've always loved you," he says, eyes still locked with hers. "All these years."

She climbs onto his lap and threads her fingers through his thick hair. "I love you too, Kaidan." She tilts his head back and kisses him. He tastes like the whiskey, and his lips are moist and lush. Her gut twists with longing as she pulls gently at his hair.

"God, Jen." His arms slip beneath her legs, and she feels all that sculpted muscle against her body as he carries her to the bed.

"Kaidan-I have to check the lists again, make sure I didn't miss something."

He shakes his head as he lowers them onto the bed, his body looming over her and casting shadows everywhere. "I bet you can tell me exactly what every one of those reports say."

He's right, of course, but she still peers over his shoulder.

"Hey." He puts a hand on her cheek and makes her look back at him. "It's gonna be what it is. You gotta trust yourself, trust the crew." His mouth slams against hers, hot and demanding. His hand holds her chin in place, and she nearly feels herself collapsing from all the desire he's stirring in her.

"This isn't just a quick drink, Kaidan." But even as she says it, her fingers slide along his cheek, she wants to commit every touch to memory. She wants to remember him just like she's memorized all of those reports.

"All right. I lied. It's not a quick drink." He slips his fingers into her hair and brings his mouth close to hers. "But nothing's ever been quick or simple when it come to us. Why bother starting now?"

Her chest feels close to bursting, he's _so _right, and the observation closes in on her rapidly beating heart. _ If we don't make it, this is it for us._ And it's all be too quick, too convoluted for anything to be fair. She scrapes a thumb across his eyebrow, feeling a dip where a years-old scar slashes across his brow. _Remember this_ she orders herself. She catalogues the minutiae of his face: the underside of his chin where a tiny patch of stubble grows unevenly, the off-center dip in his hairline, the tiny cleft in his chin.

His next kiss threatens to wash all her efforts away because now all she can feel are her body's craven urges. She arches her back, and his hands, calloused and powerful, grip her upper arms as he kisses her neck. She needs this more than she's ever willing to admit. Needs his touch tracing her skin, his kisses bringing her senses to ripe attention. And she needs his love, she needs this one thing to cling to.

Kaidan rolls them over, and Jen finds herself straddling his hips as he urges her clothes off.

"I'm your soft place to land, Shepard. What we have-it's special, and I'm gonna protect it."

He's not making any sense, and she blames it on lust and whiskey. She grazes her fingers along his chest and lowers her head to taste his skin. But he slides a finger under her chin until she meets his eyes.

"I mean it. Whatever happens tomorrow, or the day after that. _This_," he takes her hand and holds it against his chest, "is what I'm fighting for. _Us._"

"Not the galaxy? Not Earth?" she smirks to herself, because not worrying about the state of all organic life would make the mission a whole lot easier.

He drags her against him, his arms encircling her and holding her close. "You are my world, Jen. You save the galaxy; I just wanna save you."

"Kaidan…" Emotion clogs her throat, and all she can do is kiss him again as she feels her desire rising.

The rest of their clothes come off, and even though the dance is a routine by now, it feels anything but. Every one of his movements is treasured, every tiny touch leaves an imprint on her. Years from now, she'll remember every second, she'll reply it like a vid in her mind.

Kaidan flips her onto her back, and he slips himself into her with one smooth motion. She grips his hips, tears at his hair, nips at his bottom lip. The pressure builds, tingling pleasure begins at the apex where they're joined and makes her body taut with mounting tension. As he moves inside her, his hands framing her face, his eyes boring into hers, all she can do is stare back and let him drive her home.

The sensations climb, all at once sweet and pulsing. "Oh, Kaidan," she breathes into his neck. It's less than a second later when she peaks, when all those driving sensations clamor and explode, leaving her pulsing and satisfied.

"I love you," he rasps just as he comes inside of her.

"I love you, too."

He kisses her pulling her body into the curve of his waist and torso.

_Remember this_, she tells herself again, but as the alcohol's buzz fades and she takes in the quiet hum of biotics between them, she drifts off to sleep.

. . . . .


	23. Chapter 23

He tries imagining what it used to look like, everything made of old stone and caddy-cornered streets lined by mismatched storefronts. The place'd been around for centuries, carved around the Thames with its palace and giant clock, its infamous tower, its historic abbey. He only ever saw any of it in holos and vids, and now his mind's eye is reinventing the city, covering the rubble with two-dimensional facades. Across the street, there's a faceless apartment building, exposed like some kid's dollhouse. Shepard's up on the second floor, checking in with the other ground units.

From where he's standing, he can almost fool himself into thinking it's just another mission. He conjures up some Citadel decor, residents milling around in business casual civvies. The illusion won't last long. His spec ops team chatters behind him, and it almost feels good hearing them strategize without him. He's missed it, sure, but it sounds as if they're doing fine on their own.

Shepard trots downstairs and exits the building. Kaidan glances at the barricade before watching her approach a group of marines. _"I'm just a soldier, Kaidan," _he remembers her saying. She wasn't _just_ anything, he knows, not to him, not to the marines watching her now. They need to believe she'd pull them all through this, and Kaidan needs to believe the two of them have a hair's chance of making it out of this thing alive. But believing and seeing are two different things, and if the approach to Earth told him anything, he was still a lot closer to seeing than believing, as much as he was afraid to admit it.

Before he knows it, she's left the marines and now she's standing in front of him scanning the makeshift FOB.

He keeps from saying how back the initial approach was, how the first assault wiped out half their forces in a matter of seconds. If he keeps doing the math, everything comes down to ones and twos. If some CO came along and ordered them to line up and count off, Kaidan would be one and Jen a two. And the odds were saying only one of them would make it.

Jen points her thumb behind her. "James is gonna stay with that unit. They lost their second lieutenant and could use some solid leadership for the next push." Her eyes meet his for a second before she examines her pistol. She nods at the marines behind Kaidan. "You gonna need to stay with them?"

"No, of course not." Kaidan blurts. "I mean, they're fine. I'm with you, Shepard. It's you and me to the end, you know that."

Jen slides a gloved hand across the barrel of her sidearm. "It's worse than I expected, Kaidan. Steve barely made it back to the _Normandy_. If you want to stay with your team, I'd understand."

"What are you talking about, Shepard?"

She shrugs and doesn't reply.

"Hey," Kaidan says, pulling her against him. "You aren't thinking of leaving me behind, are you? You know I don't want that."

Her eyes finally meet his. "I don't want this to be the end. This can't be it, Kaidan, it can't be."

"Remember what we talked about? The cabin and the fire? Hunting rabbits? That's what we're fighting for isn't it?"

"Yeah, but…look at all of this. I can't think more than a few minutes ahead of me, let alone past tonight and into a month from now. A year from now."

Kaidan tightens his arms around her. "I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again. For a chance for some shore leave when we take the time to catch up, time to…what was the way you put it?" He tries to smile, tries to show her it's not as bleak as it looks.

"Time to love you like you deserve?"

"That's it. I'm not holding back anymore, Shepard. You give me a target and nothing's going to stand in my way of holding you to that promise."

She nods against his chest. "Okay, Alenko. Duly noted."

"Besides," he reasons, "the cabin's probably just like we left it. The Reapers only hit the cities. And when this is over…I'm going to get us there."

He catches the hint of a smile on her lips. "Just one more push."

"One more." He slides his hand into her hair. "I can't stand the thought of losing you again. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm with you, Jen. Always."

He kisses her, and it seems like all the clamor behind him fades into silence. He feels Jen's arms wrap around him, and neither one of them lets go for a long while. But when they do, he realizes almost every eye is strained at them, watching him kiss Commander Shepard.

"Time to see Anderson, I guess," Jen says.

"Yeah," Kaidan replies.

_One, two_, he thinks.


	24. Chapter 24

_**The Final Assualt**_

She calls Joker. The firefight rages as the three of them hunker by the tank. She looks to Garrus, whose breathing comes in straining rasps, and her orders for an evac become more insistent. His eyes meet hers, and she sees defeat there. She feels it too: the darkness, the realization this is worse than they'd ever imagined.

When the _Normandy_ arrives amidst the corpses and sputtering tanks, she pulls them both to their feet, she and Garrus supporting. Kaidan between them.

_The last time I'll hold him. _

His weight feels heavy against her body, and when she sets him into the hatch, extracting her arm from around his waist, it's as if she's leaving part of herself there, and pain grips her chest.

"Get him safe," she tells Garrus.

"No!" Kaidan clutches her armor, and for a second she can't bear to face him.

"You got it, Shepard," Garrus says, still supporting Kaidan. She watches Garrus hold fast to Kaidan's body, keeping it in place.

_The last time I'll see him. _

The sadness she finds in Kaidan's eyes mirrors the pain ripping at her insides.

"Don't leave me behind," he begs.

"I'll be fine," she lies. The last fifty feet to the beam are riddled with husks and marauders, plagued by reaper air support. It'll be a miracle if she makes it even that far. But she has to try.

Kaidan desperately tries to pull her onto the ship. "We both know that's not true. I can't leave you again. Jen—"

She touches his cheek. "I will always love you, Kaidan. You know I have to do this. You know you can't come with me."

He nods, his watery eyes giving away to resignation. "I love you, too."

_The last time I'll kiss him. _

She aches when her lips meet his, and the sense of loss almost overwhelms her. The agony mounts when she slips away and his hand releases her forearm.

_The last time I'll see him. _

She carries the image with her, the dark sienna of his eyes, the hint of laugh lines around his mouth, the despair marring every aspect of his face.

The rubble-strewn path is before her. First one step, then another. The rumble of the _Normandy's_ engines fades, and Commander Shepard walks to the beam of light.

. . . . .

Kaidan limps his way into the medbay, Garrus still supporting half his weight. All the beds are taken, so he slumps into the doc's desk chair. He knows his leg's probably broken, but he can't feel a thing. Not even the chatter around him registers. He keeps playing it over and over in his head. If he'd just moved a bit faster, went left instead of right, he'd still be with her. Right now, all he can see is her face: scratches along her cheek, the glow around the edges of her eyes resulting from her biotic barrier. He was _right there_, touching her and holding her…and the next thing he knows Garrus is pulling him aboard the ship.

And by the time Kaidan turned around, she was already sprinting away from him.

"Major? Major?" Garrus shakes Kaidan's shoulder.

Kaidan wants to think it's shell shock. Everything feels far away, as if he's watching it all from some security vid.

"I'm alright," he manages to say.

His eyes feel as large as saucers. His heart's still pounding a mile a minute, and he can't seem to get a grip on anything. He falls forward, dimly realizing the ship's made an FTL jump, and his torso lurches for the floor. But Garrus catches him and leans Kaidan's body back into the chair.

"We can't leave!" Kaidan struggles against Garrus's hold. "I have to go back!"

"There's nothing to go back to, Kaidan," Liara's voice says from the doorway.

Kaidan looks up at her, Garrus's arms still holding him in place.

"No, Liara…." his voice comes out more like a whimper than a protest.

Garrus crouches in front of the chair. "You have to look after this crew, Major."

Liara comes closer, fresh tears on her cheeks. "We lost contact with the ground forces. They think Anderson and a couple others may have made it onto the Citadel. But-for now-we have to get out of here. There's no way anyone is getting ground side alive, Kaidan. It's not what Shepard would want. We can't let her down."

But he's already let her down, in so many unfathomable ways. The ship shudders around them, and he thinks of the damage it's already endured, the toll the firefight and the evacs have taken on the crew. It all seems inconsequential right now because his will and strength's been sucked out of him.

But Liara and Garrus stare back at him, unrelenting.

"Garrus," he says, "can you help me to the CIC?"

Garrus nods, and Kaidan limps his way upstairs to take command of the _Normandy._

. . . . .

_**A few days later.**_

The room echoes with emptiness.

He misses the sounds, the shuffle of sheets next to him when she rolls over. Her almost inaudible breathing, the occasional cough or throat clearing, just the little noises you don't notice until they're missing.

Blankets pulled up to his waist, arm draped over his head, and he dreads sleep. But he needs it. He needs to get rid of the dark hollows beneath his eyes, needs to make decisions about which repairs are priority and which are luxuries. He needs to meet the crew's eyes when they look to him for answers.

But they all feel it. Like the life's been sucked out of everything familiar. The ship feels dead. No engines humming, no life support whirring through the vents. Just an occasional breeze where the crew unscrewed a couple of ports to get some airflow.

He rolls onto his side and hugs her pillow into his body. He touches the datapad, and he restarts the audio, again, as if the end of the war's turned him into a masochist.

"What do you need me to do?" her voice asks, guttural and breathless in all the wrong ways. It's the last transmission Liara could find, and it's followed by twenty minutes of radio silence before the explosion.

It almost makes him sick again, his stomach churning and his heart pounding, chest tight. Fists grip the pillow, turning white and fingertips burning from the pressure. The tearless sobs hit, and they have him gasping and shivering. He tries to catch his breath but each inhalation is a convulsive shaking.

_I'm going to lose it, _he thinks.

But the sorry thing is that he doesn't. Minutes pass and the shaking subsides, his fists unfurl, and his breathing slows.

And he's back to feeling empty, feeling tired and lifeless, but no closer to sleep.

But it finds him eventually, sometime in the numberless nighttime hours.

He wakes up the next morning and shaves in her bathroom, knocking her hand towel onto the counter when he slides the shaving gel back onto the shelf. He puts the towel back into its place. Memories of her are on every surface around him, and he really should take up quarters with the other officers. But he can't bear it, as if glancing around the bathroom somehow keeps her alive, if only for an instant, as if having her shampoo and her towels greeting him every morning keeps him from having to say goodbye.

But he has to. He has to do it all over again, only this time it's worse. It's letting go of all the new memories; it's telling himself he's got an uncertain future. No cabin and no fireplace, no happily ever after.

He touches the towel again, tracing the monogrammed script, "Shepard, J.," and that's when the tears finally hit.

. . . . .


	25. Chapter 25

Sarah Williams's boots leave deep prints in the ash. Her first visit to the Citadel isn't turning out at all like she imagined. The enigmatic keepers remind her of giant grasshoppers, like some monster from a B-movie horror vid, except the creatures aren't moving. She guesses they were incapacitated by the blast, the same blast that coated London with reddish light. She remembers watching it happen from the medbay on the FOB: first the dull _boom_ from the atmosphere followed by a shower of red energy, like millions of biotics had gotten high on red sand and suddenly exploded. But in the next instant, all the fighting suddenly stopped. She thought maybe she'd gone deaf from the blast, but that wasn't the case. Instead the reapers had just…died.

Well, as much as anything that's not living _can_ die.

Sarah studies the room around her, mentally dividing the perimeter into manageable sections. She'll start in the center and work her way out, sifting through the rubble and looking for signs of life. Her hopes are dim, but her CO was adamant about them being thorough. After all, the other recovery squad found Admiral Anderson's body, which meant the veteran could get a proper burial back on earth.

Unlike the preceding weeks of fighting, this work was tedious and quiet. Sarah finds it unsettling, even if she doesn't have to constantly look over her shoulder anymore. It's still gonna take her a long time to get used to anything normal seeming normal again.

Not that sifting through rubble and corpses was all that normal.

Her feet shuffle around an overturned desk. It's metal edges are charred, but the desk itself is still intact.

"Must have been pretty far from the center of the blast," Sarah muses to herself. She bends her knees to turn the desk upright. As she squats, her eyes alight on something that doesn't look like blown up furniture or decimated shelves. Instead, Sarah gazes at octagonal armor pads, each about the size of credit chit, that are woven together. Only they don't look like any armor she's seen before. These shapes are blackened and belong beneath hardened kinetic shields, not exposed.

Sarah feels her heartbeat kick up a notch. As she gets closer to the octagons, she sees the gray-silver gleam of dogtags dangling nearby.

The sight immediately makes her think of her sister, of the small package that arrived home months after they got the letter and the call. While they knew Ashley died shortly before the Battle of the Citadel, it wasn't until they got the package that they'd had to face the truth. The same day that Sarah found the nearest recruitment office and enlisted.

Sarah clears away the ash and rubble to uncover the armor. Suddenly, the area turns blue and electric, and Sarah jerks her hands away.

"Whoever it is, they're alive..." she whispers, hands now furiously digging. Eventually she uncovers hair and a bruised face, and a woman's body. Her torso's covered with dried, brown-red blood.

Sarah swings her pack onto the ground and opens it. She activates a vitals monitor on her omnitool and holds it over the body. The readings spike, so Sarah rests her hand gingerly on the armor.

"Ma'am, I need you to stop the biotics for a bit. I'm having trouble getting accurate readings."

The woman groans, and Sarah takes the readings as quickly as she can. The vitals aren't great, the pulse weak and blood pressure dangerously low.

Sarah reaches for the dogtags, and the woman groans again. Sarah can't make out anything, but she tries to calm her patient down.

"It's going to be alright, ma'am. I just need to check your dogtags and we'll get you stable."

Sarah's gloved hands scrape away ash from the metal, looking for any relevant medical allergies or conditions. But before she finds anything she unearths a name.

The woman groans again.

"Commander Shepard," Sarah reads. It's her, Sarah realizes, and for so many different reasons, she feels like her world's come full circle even though she's only twenty.

Sarah finds a patch of uncovered skin and douses it with antiseptic. She primes a needle with pain meds.

"Commander," she says. "I can't believe you're still with us. Ma'am-" Sarah finds her throat clogged with emotion. For a long time she'd blamed this woman for Ash's death, but over the past few years all of that had changed.

Sarah feels the woman's hand reach for her arm. The Commander swallows noticeably, and takes a deep breath.

"My. Ship." Her voice is strained but deliberate, and Shepard's right eye searches Sarah's face for answers.

"I-I-I don't know ma'am. Extraterrestial communications are still down."

Shepard swallows again, but Sarah can already see the meds taking effect as the Commander's eye closes and her body goes limp.

Sarah shouts at her CO across the hallway, "Lieutenant, it's Commander Shepard!"

From far off his gruff voice answers, "What now, Williams? Speak up."

"Commander Shepard, sir. We found her."

. . . . .

Most days, Kaidan does alright. He limps around for the first half of the day, until his leg gives out around lunchtime. Chakwas wants him to take it easy, but he doesn't . Too much to do, he tells himself. Truth is, keeping still hurts more than moving around. If he gets too comfortable-say, leaning against a doorway to catch his breath-he'll see her walk around the corner, eyes bright and expectant, her gait confident and imposing. And his heart will kick up a notch-just like it always did-right before he realizes she's never coming back.

And if he lets that happen during the day, the dreams'll come at night. Dreams where she's walking out of the medbay and he can't catch up with her. Or she'll be in her cabin waiting for him, but he can't get in because the password stopped working.

This morning, Joker said it will be just two days before the engineers can get the ship up to FTL capability. As his CO and friend, Kaidan knows Joker can't wait to get airborne again. There's one body they didn't bury-the one behind the medbay-and Kaidan doesn't deny he won't feel that loss, too. But he knows Jeff feels it more.

During the morning briefing, Cortez reported that the shuttle was good for short range flight, so Kaidan sent him, Garrus, and Liara off-world look for comm buoys. If they're going home soon, they better know what's going to be waiting for them. The _Normandy's_ long-range communicators were beyond the repairs they could make.

In the past few days, more of the _Normandy_ is inside than outside. The planet they found had cool nights and comfortable days, and most of the crew took to camping around the crash site while they made repairs. And now, things are getting back to normal.

They buried the dead-only three-on the top of a nearby hill. It was the most practical and respectful way to dispose of the bodies. Kaidan let the crew hang the fallen's dog tags on the memorial wall.

Kaidan wondered if he'd have bodies to bury back on Earth. His parents, maybe. A few former spec ops trainees. Shepard.

Around 1800, Joker pages him. The shuttle crew's back with intel. His leg's so bad this evening that Kaidan invites them up to Shepard's cabin for the debrief. He's pretty sure he'll keep it together long enough for them to make a return itinerary. If not, well, they'd seen worse.


	26. Chapter 26

Liara leans back on the sofa, the same spot Kaidan was in when he shared the whiskey with Shepard. Garrus lounges in the corner seat, arms and legs sprawled, and Kaidan thinks that turian barracks are probably more cramped than the Alliance's. Cortez sits beside Kaidan, his restless knee bouncing beneath a datapad.

"It's safe to go back," Liara announces. "Shepard triggered the catalyst. The damage was pretty widespread. Search and recovery teams from all species are working around the clock on the Citadel."

"Which is still parked right next to Earth," Garrus interjects. "Security doesn't seem to be an issue anywhere in Citadel space. Reports say that the reapers are empty shells. The top engineers-the one's working on the crucible-say the damage is irreparable."

For once, Kaidan doesn't struggle to focus. All the intel is...well, _good_. The catalyst worked. The war is over.

"Things are peaceful, for the most part." Liara continues. "All the species are still working together, but most of the non-council races have returned to their homeworlds. Some of Alliance command is still intact, and they're running things groundside until the government gets more organized. Losses weren't insignificant, but they aren't insurmountable, either."

"Liara and I've talked about this," Garrus says," and we're going back to Earth with you. But-"

"You want to be with your own people," Kaidan finishes. "I understand that. I'd like to find out what happened to my parents. I'm sure you have family to look for, too."

Garrus nods while Liara looks pointedly at Cortez.

Kaidan glances beside him. "You have anything to add, Lieutenant?"

Cortez clears his throat. "I downloaded some personal emails, sir. It seems Lieutenant Vega made it through the battle. He sent me this."

Cortez hands the datapad to Kaidan. He reads it.

_Esteban,_

_Not sure if you guys made it out alright. I'm hoping you did. Wouldn't be the same without you._

_Anyway, it's safe to come home. We got a pretty nice setup in London. Hospitals, restaurants, shelters. Of course, they're all made out of plywood and tents, but it's a start._

_I heard that Alenko and Scars had to evac before Lola made it to the Citadel. Figured you guys wouldn't know that we found her. Right in the middle of all the action. Like she always is. Still kicking, too. Saw her this morning. She hasn't regained consciousness, best as I can tell. But that's not like it's stopped her before._

_Gotta cut this short. Exranet time's a real commodity. Take care of yourself, Esteban. Hope to see you groundside soon._

_James_

Kaidan's fingers turn white from gripping the datapad. He reads the message again and again, dissecting all the words. His heart thuds in his chest, and a solid lump forms in his throat.

"Is it..." he whispers.

"Yes, Kaidan. It's true." Liara's warm, blue hand grips his forearm. "I'm sorry we didn't go back when you wanted but-"

"It was too risky," he whispers. His eyes flit around the room, and it comes alive with vivid memories. Shepard standing by her locker. Shepard sitting at her desk. The cabin is suddenly an entirely new place, filled with life and hope. And her.

A blip sounds on the intercom, "Uh, Major? Meet me on the bridge?"

"What's up?" Kaidan asks reflexively.

"Need you to set a course for Earth. I can have the _Normandy_ airborne tonight-since we don't need the weapons systems online for the trip."

"Uh..." Kaidan feels himself smiling, as if the corners of his mouth are being stretched after years of disuse. "Yeah, Joker. I'd like that."

"We all would, Major."

. . . . .

Kaidan checks the clock again. 0500. Quarantine, but Earthside. Grounded. Home.

He scratches at the stubble on his chin and stretches his leg out on the bench. It's a easier for him to sit still when pain seems to radiate at the knee, sending shockwaves up and down his leg.

Next to him, Chakwas eyes his grimace. "Getting worse?"

"Yeah," he breathes, squeezing the edge of the bench. She makes to activate her omnitool a splitsecond before realizing she doesn't have it. Garrus and the others were taken to their species-respective medical units. Chakwas, like Kaidan and the rest of the human crew, don white hospital scrubs. To prevent contamination, they said. Wouldn't want to bring a nasty bug back to earth so soon after getting rid of the reapers.

The air vents whir to life, as they do every fifteen minutes, cycling the air and purifying them.

"It shouldn't be getting worse, Major. You need a thorough examination straightaway. As soon as we're released, I'm scheduling you for scans."

He glares at her, but she's implacable.

"Shepard first, doc. Everything else-" he hisses as another shockwave attacks his thigh. "Secondary. I need to see her."

"Major-"

"_Need_, doc."

"She hasn't even woken up, Kaidan."

He softened at the use of his given name, feeling his shoulders sink, as if his body was somehow trying to curl in on itself.

"Liara found Lawson," he murmured. "If there's a chance—or even if there isn't—I'd hate myself if I didn't go to her."

"Not the most professional, or _responsible_, way to look at things."

Kaidan leans forward. "What do you want from me, doc? The war's over. I just want to be with the woman I love. For whatever time we have left." He shrugs. "I don't know what kind of soldier that makes me, but it's the one I'm going to be."

. . . . .

"Major." Miranda nods at him.

"Ms. Lawson." He stands up from his chair, biting the inside of his mouth as pain cascades up his leg. After he was released from quarantine, he was abruptly stopped by hospital orderlies and led to the waiting room. Now, an hour later, it looks like there's news.

"Miranda, Major." She slips her hands into her lab coat pockets. "Just got her out of an exploratory surgery. She had some internal bleeding we were able to staunch. But she's had a lot of exposure. It took three days for anyone to find her, and she'd been badly wounded before that."

"How bad?" Kaidan asks, sinking into the chair. He envisions Shepard's pale, lifeless face, like the ghost from his dreams. He hurt for her, not just in his leg, but in his chest and stomach, like all of his insides were coiling tighter and tighter.

"A deep gash in her lower abdomen. A lot of contusions, some smaller lacerations on her limbs, second-degree burns."

"God…" Kaidan breathes. _Why did I leave her_?

Miranda sits down next to him and sighs. "We stitched her up. We're treating her for the burns, giving her antibiotics. She's stable now. And once the anesthesia wears off, we'll know more. She'll need another surgery, at least. To repair…"

"The implants?"

"You know about those?"

Kaidan nods. "Cerberus base. They had vids of you and the Illusive Man." He pauses. "And she told me. Wanted me to know about all of it. Wanted me to trust her." Kaidan slides his hand across his brow. "Seems so long ago."

"You want to see her?"

He nods.

. . . . .

He feels weightless walking into the room, like he's hovering above himself. _This can't be reality, can it? She can't die and come back? Twice?_

He hobbles for the bed, right hand reaching for the sheet, his left hand braced against the bedframe. Her body is all there: two legs, two arms, everything in its place. Her face _is_ pale, but not like he imagined it. There's still a cut across her cheek, and one of her eyes has swollen and turned purple.

He's afraid to touch her. He doesn't know where the burns are, where the lacerations are, and his gut twists with longing.

"Jen…" He breaths the word more than he says it. He hardly dares to believe she's lying right before him, a tangle of tubes and machines, but still her.

He sinks to the floor. His leg protests, giving him a sharp throb just below his knee. He squeezes the edge of the mattress, watching the rise and fall of her chest, listening to the IV drip hum next to them.

Suddenly, the bed moves, slightly.

"Mmmm," her voice says, right next to his ear.

"Jen?" Kaidan searches her face, stares at her mouth.

"Kaidan?" her voice is scratchy and raw, her lips chapped and barely moving. She looks up at him with one eye. The left one's swollen shut.

"I thought…I thought…" he sputters, "thought I'd never see you again." Something catches in his throat, and he wishes he could hold her, let his hands and arms tell him what his eyes won't believe is real.

"I was missing my soft place to land," she rasps, her mouth barely smiling. "So glad you're here. Glad you listened." Her good eye shutters closed, and Kaidan knows she's hurting, and he can't find a place for his hands without hurting her even more. His fingers twist in the bed sheet.

"I didn't want to leave you." His voice shakes, and he doesn't try to control it. "Hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"Y…'ouldn't'ave made it," she slurs, eye completely shut now as the pain med pump whirrs next to him. "Stay wi' me, K."

"Right here, babe." He unfurls one fist and touches the edge of his thumb to her temple. "I'm not going anywhere."

. . . . .


	27. Chapter 27

"Compartment syndrome," the doc says.

But Kaidan doesn't listen. He's checking the clock on his onmnitool, and knows Jen's having her lunch - probably some watery soup and mushy gelatin - and he wanted to get to the mess before now. Get himself a burger to-go so they could eat together.

"So just some pain meds and taking it easy?" he asks, eyes strained on the hallway.

"Marjor, I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation."

Kaidan drags his gaze back to the doctor. Her gloved hand rests beside his calf.

"Your leg is filled with fluid. You'll need a fasciotomy to prevent long-term damage. I'm scheduling you for surgery immediately."

Kaidan gawks at her. "It's just a broken leg, doc. Chakwas patched me up back on the ship."

"Yes, and Chakwas also reported that you didn't heed her medical advice. That you continued putting strain on your injury despite her precautions. You should be getting better, but..." The doc taps his calf muscle with her forefinger.

"Ow," Kaidan hisses as pain cascades through his leg.

"...your pain is only getting worse. It's no longer localized, is it?"

"No," he grumbles, gripping the edge of the exam table.

"It's a simple surgery. Two minor incisions. You'll have a couple of scars to show off."

_Just add them to the list._

"Anyone you need us to call?"

"Um...no," he stammers. "Well, can someone tell Commander Jennifer Shepard that I'm on duty or something? I was supposed to meet her, and..."

The doc arches an eyebrow, "Don't want to worry her?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"I'll have someone take care of it, Major."

. . . . .

"Hey, soldier," Shepard whispers from her wheelchair

Kaidan's eyes blink rapidly until his eyes focus on her. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

She swallows hard and takes a deep breath, feeling her ribs ache in the process. "You had surgery and _didn't tell me_?" Her eyes scan the length of him. His leg is propped up by pillows, an IV drip gives him a steady dose of pain meds and antibiotics. He looks fine, truth be told, and if she hadn't wrenched the news out of Traynor, she would never had known.

"I didn't want to worry you," he says, trying to sit up in the bed.

"Worry me? Is that why you told me you'd be back in an hour, but now it's the end of the day? How was I not going to worry?" She looks into his eyes, and she clenches her jaw at the sight. She'd imagined a thousand different scenarios, all of them ending with Kaidan's grisly death: a building collapsing on him, an implant complication, rogue civilians trying to loot the base. But he was relatively fine, she could see. And that made her all the angrier.

"Are we still in this together, Alenko? Because if you expect me to trust in you when the world's coming to an end, then you should be able to let me know when you're getting _surgery."_

_"_I know," he answers, voice gruff. "God, Jen, this has been so hard. For both of us. I just want to take care of you. I guess I'm still figuring out what that means."

Her face softens, and the love she has for him twists hard in her gut. "Taking care of me doesn't always mean protecting me, Kaidan." She smiles, "Although it's nice having you in my corner."

"Yeah?" He touches her hand.

"We're both so stubborn," she says, shaking her head and linking her fingers through his. "Good thing we've got a while to figure this thing out. It'll give us time to learn how to share a life together."

"Share a life together?"

"Yeah, I'm a little confused, too," she admits. "It's always been a last ditch effort between you and me, hasn't it? And now..." Shepard sees the years stretched out before her. Peace in the galaxy, a planet to rebuild, a chance to take it slow.

She slides her free hand over the stitches on her abdomen. "I'm tired of fighting death, Kaidan. You're what's important to me now. I want to fight with you."

"With me?"

"Like, when you drink the last of the milk and don't throw out the carton. Or when you come to bed too late because you're too busy watching Blasto vids."

"You even get extranet in that cabin of yours?" He chuckles.

"No, but that's not the point, Kaidan," she explains. She smiles broadly now. "The point is that I want it to be you and me, Priority Mission: Alenko and Shepard. Completion date TBA."

Kaidan raises his eyebrows and tries to get out of bed. Shepard presses a hand into his shoulder to keep him still.

"Let me up," he protests. "I want to ask you first. Down on one knee, diamond ring, violins in the background."

"Too late, Alenko. This is me asking you." She leans close to his bed, cupping one cheek in her hand. "Kaidan, will you marry me?"

"Yes," he whispers, turning his head to kiss her palm. "A thousand times, yes."

* * *

_AN: Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited, and reviewed! We've reached the end of this particular Shenko story. I'm working on an AU-teen Shenko fic, so if there's anything you'd like to see in that one, just let me know!_

_-Mel_


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